


The Bitter Taste of Almonds

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 05:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 33,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7254175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A/U Everything that JJ thought she knew about her life following her covert mission to Afghanistan has been a lie, manufactured by Will to punish her for a mistake that she made. Will she be able to find out the truth before she gets convicted of crimes she did not commit?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Care to explain this, _cher_?" Will asked as he held up the pregnancy test he had found in the trash can of their bathroom. JJ blanched a little as she slowly shook her head back and forth. "It looks like this is a positive pregnancy test. Only, we haven't slept together in about two months, so I highly doubt that this is my child. Care to tell me what's going on?"

She shrugged a little, looking down at the floor, unable to find the words that would explain to her lover that she had been unfaithful to him. After all, she wasn't quite certain what had come over her that night, when she had had to write her exit interview from the BAU. After she had left her papers on Strauss's desk, she had had every intention on walking out the door and never looking back.

All that had changed when Strauss had caught her at the elevators on the ground floor, slightly out of breath, her eyes full of fear and concern. What had followed was an intense explanation of why she hadn't been allowed to turn down the position at the State Department, and a hurried meeting with Matteo Cruz. She had just been about to leave the BAU for the second time when she happened to glance into the bullpen, wondering if she would ever see her friends again. There was no telling with the assignment she had been asked to do, and that thought filled her with sadness, more sadness than at the thought of never seeing Will ever again.

Hotch had chosen to step out of his office at that moment, his briefcase in hand, a haunted, sad, look on his face. JJ hadn't been able to stop her feet from making their way over to him, and they met in the middle of the deserted room. What happened next was the culmination of all the pent up repressed sexual tension that had thrummed beneath their skin from the moment she had joined the team. And she had thought that her momentary indiscretion would be kept in the dark forever, since they had both sworn it was a one-time mistake.

Biting her lip, JJ looked down at the floor and shrugged one more time. "I thought that I wasn't ever going to see them again. I thought that I really was going to the State Department. In the heat of the moment, I made a mistake."

"Let me guess, you just had to have your moment with Hotch," he spat out and she shuddered a little. That tell must have been enough for him, as he shook his head in disgust. "Typical, Jareau. I'll be spending the night at a hotel."

He stomped from the room, and JJ winced as the front door slammed closed a few moments later. From the way his tires squealed out of the drive, she knew that he was furious, and the first tears began to roll down her cheeks. Knowing that she couldn't afford to lose her cool, especially with her returning to Afghanistan the next day, she blinked rapidly as she made her way upstairs to see if Henry had slept through their argument.

Quietly slipping open the door, she tiptoed into the room and let out a soft sigh to see her baby still sleeping soundly. Only, he wasn't her baby any more, that position would be filled by the life currently growing inside her. Sinking down onto the mattress next to Henry, JJ brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes before leaning in and kissing him. She would miss seeing him when she was over there, a continent away and unable to Skype home, due to the sensitive nature of her mission.

"Mommy will always love you, my little star," she whispered before kissing him once more. Standing with a sigh, she made her way over to her bedroom. It felt empty without Will there, and she wondered if she could ever make things right with him. There was little chance of that happening right away, and she could only hope that she could finagle a call home in the next few days, so that she could start to rebuild her relationship.

Another broken sigh slipped from her lips as she undressed. Once she was completely naked, she went over to the full length mirror that stood in the corner of their bedroom and studied her appearance. There was just a hint of a bump there, and her brow furrowed a little as she ran her hand over it. "I really hope that no one notices you," she whispered to her stomach. "I know that this mission is really important, and that it's going to be both mine and Strauss's job on the line. You know, baby, she seemed almost human as she filled me in on this mission. It was Cruz who seemed the most gung ho about having me over there. I'm trying not to question that too much, but it does make me wonder, even if he is a nice man."

With one last stroke, JJ moved over to her dresser and pulled out a tank top and shorts. It didn't take her long to dress for the night, and then she was trudging over to her bed, throwing back the covers and slipping beneath them. She flopped onto her back and closed her eyes, trying to will herself to sleep, but it seemed like the Sand Man was staying far away from her bedroom that evening.

Popping her eyes open, she looked at the ceiling and let her thoughts run wild. There was a good chance that Will would use her time overseas as an excuse to move back to New Orleans, taking Henry with him. And he would be justified in doing so, since she had betrayed him, and she wasn't going to be home a lot with this assignment. She wondered if Strauss was having the same thoughts, since she would be over there with JJ for much of the time. It would be odd to be in close quarters with her, since they had never really gotten along.

The rabbit trails that her mind kept wandering down kept JJ up most of the night, and it was only when she had four hours before her alarm would go off that she finally fell asleep. And even then, her sleep was troubled, filled with dreams of Will chasing her, of Strauss protecting her from him, of Hotch looking at her in disappointment as she told him that she had lost their child. And so, when she woke up at five, she felt even more tired than when she had fallen asleep, and could only wonder if Cruz would allow her to sleep on the plane. She had no doubt that Strauss wouldn't mind that, but there was no telling with the other man. He was still such an unknown factor, though she assumed that that would quickly change.

Groaning a little, she stumbled out of bed and stumbled over to her dresser, taking out a long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans. Not bothering with a shower, she quickly dressed and made her way downstairs. There was a pot of coffee on the counter, and she frowned a little before seeing the note resting there.

_I couldn't leave Henry here alone once you left. I'm in the living room, but I really don't feel like seeing you this morning. I'll talk to you as soon as you're able to give me a call. I still love you, I'm just really pissed off right now. Stay safe over there._

JJ smiled as she read those words, knowing that there was hope for her relationship working out, she would just have to be patient and not lie to Will any longer. She had to provide Henry a stable household, that was the most important thing in the world to her. Filling her travel mug with coffee, she headed out to the garage, her mind swirling with the possibilities of her future.


	2. Chapter 2

Will clenched his fists in rage as he tried to keep his face from showing the emotions roiling inside him. In the background, he could see a number of men milling around, and he wondered if is Jen was the only woman over there. The idea of her alone with them sickened him, especially since he knew that she was less than faithful to him. "It's good to see you, honey," he said lowly, trying to keep his gaze off her eyes, since she could always tell his mood from his eyes.

"You, too. How's Henry?"

"Coping. He misses you a lot. Do you have any idea when you're coming home?"

JJ shook her head, a flash of guilt shooting across her features as she looked down into her lap. While she was trying to collect herself, Will once more scanned the background, only to find Strauss there, bent over a desk and looking at a map while talking to someone who looked vaguely familiar. "I wish that I did. I'm just trying to do my best here, so that I can get home to you. Will, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to betray your trust, I hope you know that."

Her words barely registered with him, though he did nod a little, trying to evoke sympathy and understanding. She seemed to buy it, though, since she gave him a tender, open, smile. "I know, _cher_ , and I promise that we are going to find our way back to some sort of normal, once you're home. So, what's it like, working with Strauss?"

Will didn't really want to know, he just wanted to talk about something, anything, else. JJ's smile softened even more as she glanced back at her boss before fixing her gaze on him once more. "She's a lot different out of the office. I never saw her in jeans before coming over here, she was always dressed to the nines. The casualness lends her an air of normality, and we're getting along a lot better than I thought we would be. I haven't told her about the baby, yet, since that would endanger the mission, but I did tell Cruz. I just had to let someone know. So far, he isn't treating me with kid gloves, which is great. I mean, if he were to treat me differently, then everyone would know. There aren't a lot of secrets in a camp like this."

"I can only imagine." Will dug his thumbnail into his palm as he gave Jen a small smile. "Well, I should get going. Henry's almost finished with pre-school, and you know they don't like it when we're late picking him up."

"Yeah, I know. Give him an extra kiss for me tonight?"

"I will, Jen. Stay safe."

"You, too. I, I love you?"

"Love you, too." Will disconnected the call before she could say anything else, slamming the lid of the laptop shut. He didn't want to break the device, he just needed to release the burning coal of anger that sat in his heart. A part of him hated saying those words to her, since he wasn't certain if he meant them any longer, and his father had told him to never say those words without intent.

Shaking his head, he stalked over to the window and stared out at the beautiful July weather. There was something that just felt wrong about the bright sunshine streaming into the home when his heart felt consumed by an anger so cold that it burned worse than fire. Angrily, he pulled the curtains closed, blocking out the light as he spun around on his heel and stalked over to the door.

As he drove to Henry's daycare center, he thought about what Jen had told him. He supposed that it was a good thing that she was growing closer to her boss, since that would mean she might be able to wrangle some perks from the woman, like staying home more often. After all, she would have two children to look after soon, even if one of them wasn't his. A small part of him hoped that she would lose the baby, since it wasn't his, but he knew that was a horridly mean thought, one that he shouldn't wish on any person, even if he was inordinately angry with his partner at the moment.

"Fuck," he muttered as he slid behind the wheel and pulled out of the drive. "Daddy always did say that I had a heart three sizes too large."

The drive over to the school didn't take too long, which did surprise him, since normally the traffic was abysmal that time of day. Henry was coloring when he entered the building, and he felt a grin slip across his lips as he leaned against the counter and watched his son. The teacher made her way over to him, happiness radiating off all her features.

"Hey, Will! You're a little early picking Henry up today, did you get off early?" she asked as she rested her forearms against the counter between them. The woman was wearing a low cut blouse, and so it was nothing for him to take a quick peek at her cleavage. After all, JJ had done far more than that and hadn't told him.

"Actually, I have the day off, and just finished a Skype call with JJ. She's itching to be home from this case." He gave the teacher his most hang dog look, causing her to nod sympathetically. In that moment, he really wished that she could show JJ how to properly appreciate a person. "It sounds like this one is going to take forever, though, so it will just be us men hanging around the house for a while."

"Oh, you poor thing, you!" she exclaimed, reaching out to caress his hand softly. Will knew that she was flirting with him, and he relished the attention. It was so easy to lean into her, to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. He knew that JJ loved it when he did that, and it seemed like Henry's teacher was no different, as she giggled softly, a bright blush blooming on her cheeks. "I can only imagine how you're getting along. If you need anything, I'm sure that the mother's here would be more than willing to help you out."

But what she didn't say, though he could read it in her face, was that she was more than willing to help him out in any way that she could. He gave her a winning smile and nodded, watching her blush become more pronounced. "We would love that, _cher_ ," he replied, making sure to lay his drawl on thick.

Before the teacher could respond to his flirtation, Henry looked up and grinned. "Daddy!" he cried as he ran over to him, picture in hand. "I drew a picture for Mommy! Do you think we can send it to her?" he asked excitedly as he held the drawing up. Will smiled to see how Henry had portrayed them, all happy, in front of their house, and he nodded.

"I think that your mom would love if we did that, Hen."

He beamed at Will as he ran back over and grabbed his backpack before coming back over to the counter. "Let's go, let's go! The sooner we get home, the sooner you can send a letter to Mommy!"

"I'll drop him off at the same time tomorrow," Will said as he gave the teacher another smile. She nodded and led Henry over to the gate, letting him out. The moment his son was close to him, Will gathered him up in his arms and hugged him tightly before heading outside to the car. This was certainly going to be an interesting few months.


	3. Chapter 3

The only thing that JJ could focus on when she came to was how much her body ached. She knew that she had been in the convoy, and that they had hit an IED. Reaching up, she touched her face gingerly, trying to make certain that everything was still there. Then her hands ghosted down to her stomach, and she began to sob. Turning onto her side, JJ fought not to cry out as every muscle in her body screamed in pain at the slow movement.

There weren't any medics around, so she couldn't ask the question that was foremost on her mind, and she had to swallow thickly as she began to cry. A tender, warm, hand on her shoulder had her gazing over her shoulder to see who was approaching her. "You're awake," Strauss said gently as she smoothed a stray hair from her face. "We were worried about you."

JJ nodded slowly, acknowledging the woman's words while wincing at the way the move made her head ache all the more. "I should have told you that I planned on going," she said, her voice sounding rough and foreign to her ears. "Did…that is, can you look at my records and tell me if everything is okay?"

The look on Erin's face told JJ all she needed to know, and she curled into a tighter ball, cradling her stomach as she began to sob. From some corner of her mind, she heard Strauss sit down next to her, the comforting hand never leaving her shoulder as she stroked it gently. "I'm sending you home for a little bit so that you can recover, Jennifer. I wish that I could pull the plug on this entire project, but it's above my head. I never wanted you to get hurt, I hope you know that."

"I do, Ma'am."

As JJ watched, the woman sighed a little, her features momentarily looking miles away. "While we're here, while we're working together, you may call me Erin. I mean, we're on equal footing and in over our heads right now. I'm so glad that at least one of us will be able to see our children, even if only for a week."

JJ brushed her tears away as she continued to study Strauss's face. "I've been Skyping Will and Henry as often as I can. Haven't you done the same?"

Erin looked away for just a second before shaking her head. "Alan, well, he, we're having a few problems at the moment, and that has put a stumbling block there. I'm certain I'll get to see them when my component of this mission is finished."

For some reason, JJ's heart ached for the woman, and she closed her hand around the woman's wrist before pulling her hand off her shoulder and clasping it tightly. "I'm certain of that, too."

They shared a knowing look, and for just a tick of a second, she was almost certain that Strauss was going to start crying. That expression was soon wiped from her face as Strauss composed herself, taking a few deep breaths before standing once more. "I have to go sit in some briefings now, I've been putting them off until you were awake. I'll be there to help you on the helicopter tomorrow, but I can't go with you all the way. I wish that I could."

The bitter regret dripping from Erin's voice touched JJ's heart, and she gave the older woman a small nod before closing her eyes heavily. Sorrow was clinging thickly to her heart, and she knew that the only thing that could help heal her heart was sleep.

And sleep was what she did all day, and well into the night. But then, the sounds of the camp faded away, and all she could focus on was the sound of relative silence. It was heavy, oppressive, and she found that her brain had entirely too much time to think about the conversation she had had with the medic about her pregnancy. Though she hadn't come right out and asked if she had miscarried, she used enough hand motions and vague intimations to get her point across, and the man had confirmed what Erin had told her.

"You should be sleeping, Jennifer."

Erin's low voice caught her attention, and she turned her head to look at the woman. "I did that. It's too quiet now."

"I know. Usually I have to listen to music at night here, otherwise my thoughts run around too much, tiring me out past the point of sleep."

"Exactly. But why are you up, watching me?"

"It's four, local time. We're leaving in about an hour, and I was trying to let you sleep as much as you could before that."

JJ nodded as she carefully sat up. "Did someone call Will, to let him know that I was coming home?"

"I took care of that, yes. He'll be at the airfield when you land, though that won't be for twenty hours," she replied. JJ nodded and took a few hesitant steps. She still ached so much, and Erin must have noticed, since she quickly stood and reached out to steady her. "Let me help you."

"No, I have to be able to do this on my own. Right?"

The older woman pursed her lips, as if she wanted to say no, but finally she let out a deep huff of a sigh before nodding. "Yes, you have to stand on your own two feet. But you also have to let people help you out when they offer. I've been learning too late that this is the case, and I fear that it might come to bite me hard, sooner rather than later."

It was another small glimpse into secretive, private, heart of Erin Strauss, and JJ felt a certain kinship with her in that moment. "It's hard to learn how to share things with people when you've trained yourself to not let things bother you. I was never as good as Emily was at compartmentalizing the job and my life."

"There's always been a bit of bleed for myself as well," Erin responded as she handed JJ a small duffle bag. "It's not all of your clothes, since you'll be coming back in a week, but this should be enough to get you home."

"Thanks," JJ said as she took the handle. "Would you mind keeping watch for me, so that I can change?"

"Of course," she quickly replied, turning and watching the tent flap as JJ moved as quickly as her bruised and battered body would let her. Finally, though, she was dressed, and JJ touched Erin's shoulder to let her know that she was decent. "Hug Henry tightly for me, would you?"

It seemed like the early morning had made Erin open and vulnerable, since she was tearing up once more. JJ nodded before biting her lip and hugging herself once more. She still felt pregnant, which was the cruelest jab to her heart. Erin clucked her tongue lightly before resting her hand on JJ's shoulder and leading her over to the mess tent. "How can you think of food this early in the morning?"

"I'm thinking about you, dear. You'll need to eat before you leave, since you'll be traveling for a long time, with no way to eat later on."

She nodded and let Erin lead her through the line to grab something to eat before heading over to a table. As they sat, Erin watched her like a hawk, making certain that she ate as she nibbled at some cereal. "I just wish I could do this over again."

"I know exactly what you mean, Jennifer." They shared a pained smile, and suddenly the only thing that JJ wanted was to be home, in Will's arms, letting him comfort her.


	4. Chapter 4

Will had been extremely annoyed to get the early morning phone call from Strauss, informing him that JJ was coming home for a week to recover from her accident. She had been quite insistent that he take care of his lover, since she was a bit fragile, and things were still touch and go with the pregnancy. And then, she had let him in on the small fact that JJ thought she had lost the baby. She had asked him to treat JJ with kid gloves and tell JJ that it was a small miracle that the fetus had survived the bombing. Strauss had intimated that the news would strengthen their relationship.

And that was when the first stirrings of revenge began to move in his brain. He could convince JJ that she had lost her bastard child, and then take care of the evidence of her betrayal when it came time for her to deliver. After all, if JJ thought the baby was dead, then he wouldn't have to deal with raising a child that wasn't his.

So, Will made the journey to the airfield and waited for her plane to land, intent on putting his plan into action. As he waited, he fingered the instrument of his deception, the small bottle of pills that would make JJ more susceptible to his whisperings in her ear.

The smile that crept over his face as the plane landed was far from nice, and he had to fight with his emotions to look happy, since he didn't want JJ to even think that something was up with him. She was too smart by half, and he wanted this plan to go off without a hitch. That smile faltered a little, however, when JJ was helped off the plane by her liaison, Matteo Cruz. She was leaning on him heavily, and jealousy flared up in his breast as he began to frown.

Getting out of the car, he ambled over to the plane and welcomed her into his arms, holding her tightly as she began to sob. "I'm so glad that you're here, Will," she managed to gasp out, and he could feel the small rise of her pregnancy press into his stomach, disgusting him.

"I would never leave you to go through this alone, _cher_ ," he replied smoothly, rubbing her back gently as he guided her over to their car. Throwing one last, dark, look at Cruz, he helped her into the passenger seat and then slipped behind the wheel and took off for home. "Henry's at preschool right now, and I'm having the neighbor bring him home later this afternoon. I didn't think that you would want him to see you like this."

"Thank you," she whispered brokenly, and he nodded, the love he still had for her in his heart choosing that moment to shine through. Reaching over, he clasped her hand for a moment before settling it back on the wheel. Their drive was quiet, save for the occasional sniffle that came from her side, and he drove a little faster, wanting her to be home before she broke down once more.

After he'd parked in the garage, he got out and made his way over to her side, watching her through the glass of the vehicle. It was like she hadn't even registered the fact that she was home, and he sighed and shook his head before opening the door, taking hold of her hand and leading her up the few steps into the house. "Do you want to crash on the couch or head up to bed?" he asked, trying to sound as kind as possible.

"I want to sleep in my own bed," she murmured, and he nodded as he guided her upstairs and into their bedroom. JJ didn't even bother to take her shoes off before curling up on the mattress, her head thumping down on the pillow.

"The medic over there faxed a prescription over for you to take. I'll be right back with a glass of water, okay?"

She gave a small nod, and Will reached out and ruffled her hair lightly before heading into the master bathroom and filling a small glass. Returning to her side, he took a seat on the edge of the bed, fishing out the bottle of pills from his pocket. Popping off the lid, he shook two out into his palm and offered them to her. Wordlessly, she placed them in her mouth before reaching her hand out for the water.

After a few sips, she handed the glass back to him before closing her eyes heavily. "I just want to sleep for a week, Will. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I lost the baby."

"I know. Strauss told me that I have to take care of you, to help you deal with the loss." He stroked her hair gently as she fell asleep, and that was when he began to make his move. "You were never supposed to have this child, Jen. It was a mistake from the very beginning. And if you hadn't been so obstinate in insisting to go on that mission, you wouldn't have lost her. This is all your fault."

In her sleep, her brow knitted together in confusion and anger, as if her subconscious wanted to refute those words. Instead, she pulled away from him, turning onto her other side, a small whimper tearing from her throat. A small part of him was sorry to make her suffer, but the larger part of him was glad that she was. It was but a small sampling of what she deserved, after all. Standing up, he picked up a thin blanket and draped it over her body before taking the glass and dumping the excess water out.

He only had one week to make certain that all his subliminal messages took root in his lover's mind, and he knew that he had to put them to good use. Though he didn't really want to, he kicked off his shoes and curled his body around JJ's. Once he was comfortable, he positioned her so that her ear was close to his lips. "Henry will never know that he has a sibling now, since you lost the baby. Your selfishness has cost him what you had with Ros. Is that really the memories that you want to leave with him? That his mother didn't care enough about his baby brother or sister to stay out of harm's way?"

Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and Will paused a moment, wondering if she was awake. Gently, he scratched the bare skin of her arm, knowing that if she was awake, she'd react, and sighed with relief when she didn't even flinch. Still, he waited for a few moments longer, since he wanted to be certain that she was deeply asleep before starting up his litany of the ways in which she had failed him, failed Henry, and failed their future as a family. Some way or another, he was going to make her suffer, this was just the tip of the iceberg, as far as he was concerned.


	5. Chapter 5

Something felt off when she walked into the BAU, eager to help them out with tracking down Emily. She had begged and pleaded with Erin to be allowed to return, had twisted Cruz's arm until she had the full weight of the State Department behind her, and now that she was back home, everything felt flat and colorless. Like she had grown in so many ways that her friends hadn't, and also like there was a hollow spot in her heart that she couldn't quite account for.

As they had worked together to track Emily and Doyle down, she had found herself missing this dynamic. She didn't have that over in Afghanistan, though Erin was trying her hardest to be the listening ear that JJ needed as they continued to work in close proximity. Still, she couldn't replace Penelope's light giggle, or Rossi's eyebrow waggle, or Hotch's stoic support. These were the things that she missed, and hadn't realized that until she was working with them once more.

And now, she was in the hospital, talking to Emily's doctor, and convincing him that they had to hustle her off to another hospital, under an assumed name, that her very survival existed on her dying on the operating table. "Please, you have to understand, the man who is hunting her picked off her CIA contacts one by one until she was the last one left. If he thinks that she's alive, there is nothing to stop him coming after my team and doing the same. I will not have that happen, do you understand me?"

"But it's unethical…"

"Fuck your ethics, sir. I am more concerned with keeping everyone that I love safe and alive. I couldn't do that for my baby, but I can damn well do this for her and them. The Marshals are on their way here to handle her transport to another facility. And you will sign a death certificate for her. Do I make myself clear?"

The man nodded before signing the correct documentation and attaching it to Emily's chart. "There, I hope you're happy."

"I'm the farthest thing from happy, actually. I have to consider my best friend as dead to me, and who knows when she'll be able to return from hiding. But if it keeps her alive, then it will be worth all the pain in the end."

She turned on her heel before the doctor could blunder into another minefield, and took a deep breath, making certain to arrange her features into the appropriate expression of grief. This all hinged on her ability to sell the largest lie she had ever told, and she knew that she had no room for error.

As she walked into the waiting room, all eyes turned to her, and JJ found herself tearing up to see the hopeful looks on their faces. A part of her didn't want to dash those feelings, yet she knew that Doyle would just keep coming after them if she didn't. "She never made it off the table," JJ found herself saying, the words of the others sounded like buzzing bees.

After she had left them to their grief, she pulled Hotch aside, into the hall, knowing that she had to share her terrible burden with someone. "What is it Jayje?" he asked, looking at her in concern.

"As soon as Emily's better, I'll be setting her up with a new identity in Europe. This is the only way to get Doyle off of you guys. I cannot lose one of you to a stupid unsub."

Hotch's eyes widened in shock a little before he nodded. "I completely understand. You have to do what you can to protect the ones you love."

"Exactly. I just wish…"

"What?"

She shook her head, knowing that she couldn't reveal two secrets in as any minutes. "I wish that I saw you all more often. I mean, I work in the same city, and there's never any time to visit. I just assumed that I wouldn't be as busy as I am."

He nodded in sympathy before turning his attention back to the team. "I should go comfort them, are you sticking around?"

"No, I have to make arrangements for the funeral." He nodded once more and then reached out to squeeze her shoulder warmly. The tender gesture made her blink her eyes rapidly as she tried to keep from crying. "I will see you all there," she whispered before walking away from him. JJ knew that if she was to stick around much longer, she would tell him about the baby that she had lost, and there was no way that he would ever understand about that, not in a million years.

Somehow, she made it out to her car before she started to car, and she sat behind the wheel as she sobbed, letting out all her fear, anger, and frustration. After the storm had passed, she took a deep breath and made her way home. Will and Henry were still out, which allowed her to make her way up to the bedroom, collapsing on the mattress as she stared up at the ceiling. JJ had no idea how Will would deal with a situation like this. Henry would never understand, just like Jack had never really understood.

Turning onto her side, she caressed her stomach, feeling the loss and yearning return to her tenfold as she imagined what her baby would have looked like, if she hadn't miscarried, if she hadn't failed Will, failed Henry, failed Hotch. A small part of her had believed that she would have a girl, with black hair like her father, though JJ selfishly wanted her to have blue eyes. And she would be the perfect reflection of everything good in both of them. Somehow, she knew that Will would eventually come around, even if Hotch never knew that the baby was his.

Once more, tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she curled around her pillow as she kicked her shoes off. Following rabbits down trails did not make her any happier, and JJ wondered if this hellish pain ever went away. A small part of her knew that it never would, that she would always feel like there was something missing in her life.

As JJ struggled to find happier thoughts and memories, she heard the garage door slam shut and knew that her boys were home. Sure enough, not one minute later, she heard Henry yell, "Mommy!" as his little feet slapped against the floor, heading up the stairs to find her.

Releasing a long sigh, she sat up in bed and wiped away the traces of her tears. The bedroom door flew open, and she plastered a grin on her face. "Hey, buddy! Did you enjoy spending the day with Daddy?"

"Yes! But I am so glad that you're home. I miss you when you're gone."

"I miss you, too, Hen. But you know that I won't be here very long, right?" He nodded. "And I'm going to have to do something very sad in the next few days. Do you remember Miss Emily?" Henry nodded once more. "Well, there was an accident, and she passed away, so Mommy has to go to her funeral. Once that's done, I have to go back to Sandistan, and try to make everyone get along. But I'll always be thinking of you and loving you, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," he said as he snuggled in close to her. "Will you read me a story tonight?"

"As if you even need to ask," she replied softly before leaning down and kissing his forehead softly. These were the moments that she missed the most when she was away from him, and she only hoped that she could make up for lost time when she was finally home.


	6. Chapter 6

JJ smiled as she breathed in deeply. There was something so different about the air in Paris, as if it were filled with the very essence of stylish living. Even though she was here to give Emily her new identities, there were still a few precious days available for her and her alone to explore the City of Lights. Her time over in Afghanistan had come to an end at the same time as Emily's rehabilitation, so JJ had begged Cruz to let her be the one to do the handoff.

There had been something about his gaze that bothered her, though, as if he couldn't quite understand why she would want to add more time away from her family rather than rush right home to them. She couldn't tell him, or Erin, that the thought of being alone with Will and Henry again filled her with an inexplicable dread, as if she was waiting for some news that she didn't want to hear.

"Is this seat taken?"

JJ looked up into the handsome face of a stranger and smiled as she shook her head. "No, go ahead."

The man nodded and stretched out his legs as he watched her. "Are you here for business or pleasure?" he asked, and she struggled to place his accent. She knew that it was from somewhere in her travels, but she just couldn't place it.

"A little bit of both, actually," she replied, giving him a small smile.

"That's always the best thing to hear." He signaled for the waitress to come over, and quickly ordered some coffee. As he waited for it to come, he focused his attention back on her. "So, you're from America, right?"

She nodded, and settled back into her chair as she thought of what to say to him. "I wish that I could place your accent, though it sounds so familiar to me."

"I'm from Louisiana, though for the last ten years, I've lived in Quebec. No one can ever place my accent. I'm James, by the way."

"Jennifer," she replied, holding out her hand to him. They shook hands firmly, and a small part of her wished that she was here purely for pleasure, as she would love to get to know this man better. "I wish that I had a lot of time to stay here and talk with you, but I'm only going to be here about fifteen more minutes."

"Then we'll have to pour as much into these fifteen minutes as possible," he smoothly replied, and she couldn't stop the giggle that came to her lips, The fifteen minutes flew by, and JJ found herself getting ready to exchange emails with him when the reason for her trip to Paris floated to the top of her mind. "It's okay, you don't have to share your email with me, I know how unorthodox this meeting was."

"And I wish that I was free to give it to you, however…well, my job is such that I really can't give that to you. Though I did enjoy talking to you."

"I did, too." She stood, and he followed suit, watching her leave. Letting out a deep breath, she made her way to Notre Dame and slipped inside the building, heading to the side chapel that she had been instructed to find. There was an older man waiting there for her, and he smiled as he nodded to her. "The blackbird flies at dawn."

"And the dove flies for peace."

She instantly relaxed as she got the right response to her phrase. "Do you have the package?"

He nodded and handed her a large manila envelope. "Everything is in there, as requested. There are a few different dossiers available for her to use, and each is equipped with a fully stocked bank account. Since we aren't certain of the length of her need, there will be additional funds deposited as needed. Do you have any questions?"

"Not that I can think of. If you don't mind, I'll soak up some of the atmosphere here." The older man nodded and she made her way over to the sanctuary, genuflecting before taking a seat in one of the pews and letting the weight of centuries soak into her bones. There was something so comforting about the silence that she soon found herself relaxed enough to freely cry. There was still a hole in her heart that yawned open, and she wasn't certain if anything would ever fill it.

Finally, though, she knew that she had to get moving if she was to meet Emily on time and make the handoff. Standing up, she took one last look at the altar ahead of her, wishing that she had more faith in God. Maybe it would offer her the same comfort that it gave Rossi. Shaking her head a little, she pulled her trench coat up a little higher around her neck before leaving the cathedral and quickly hailing a cab.

Thankful for her halting French, she asked the driver to let her off a few blocks away from the café that she was using as her contact point. After paying him an obscenely large tip, she asked him to meet her in the same place in five minutes time. A small part of JJ knew that if she didn't impose a strict time limit, she would be likely to stay and try to talk to Emily. And that wouldn't be fair to her, or to the team that thought her dead, and so it had to be this way.

The air had turned cool during her cab ride, and she shivered a little as she took a seat at the table, waiting for Emily to join her. They nodded to each other as she passed the envelope across the table. "There's a few new identities in there for you, along with bank accounts that should keep you comfortable for the months to come."

JJ yearned to reach across the table and hold onto Emily's hand, even for a moment, but she knew that if she did that, she might never let go, so she clenched her hand into a fist as she smiled at her friend. They nodded to each other before Emily stood and disappeared into the night.

Sighing deeply, JJ pushed away from the table and made her way over to where she had arranged to meet the cabbie. Her shoulders slumped in relief when she saw him there, and she got in the back seat, asking him to take her back to her hotel. The lights of Paris glimmered outside the window, and she felt a pang of longing in her heart for Will. They had never really taken a true vacation together, and this would be the perfect place for them to get away to.

She must had dozed off, since the cabbie was waking her up by talking loudly in rapid fire French. Nodding, she dug out more money and shoved it through the window before stumbling out of the cab and heading up to her room.

The moment she was safely inside, she flopped back onto her mattress and stared up at the ceiling. And suddenly, she knew that she had to get back to the BAU, she had to be a member once more, and she would do anything that she possibly could to be with her friends once more.


	7. Chapter 7

It felt good to be back in the BAU, there was no denying that. Though she did find herself missing Hotch immensely. There was a certain irony that he had been assigned to head over to Afghanistan shortly after she had rejoined the BAU, yet she couldn't help but worry about him as the weeks dragged on. She knew the danger of Afghanistan all too well.

And she knew that Morgan and Penelope were working on something behind her back. The lack of trust should have made her angry, instead it just left the bitter taste of sadness in her mouth. And it was only two weeks since her return. Will had told her that it would take time for her to get accustomed to the team once more, that she just had to relax and let things happen naturally. Which didn't explain the vague unease she felt around Spencer, why she listened to him every week and still didn't feel comfortable with his grief.

The door to Rossi's office opening caught her attention, and she glanced up to see him walk out and look around the bullpen. Their eyes met and he gave her a weary smile before ambling down the stairs and making his way to her side. "How are you holding up, Jen?"

"I've been better, which probably sounds so ungrateful, after all the strings you pulled to get me back here. I just feel like I don't have my bearings yet."

He lowered himself onto the corner of her desk and nodded sagely. "I felt the same way when I returned to the BAU. I know that my absence was a little longer than yours, but time has a way of magnifying gulfs between us. Do you talk to any of your friends at the State Department?"

She shook her head, looking away from him. JJ knew that he would be able to sniff out a lie if she gazed into his eyes for too long. "They're busy with their jobs, you know? Just like we're busy here. I mean, it's only been two weeks, and we've already cleared three cases. I do not remember ever being this busy when we had a full complement of people. Why did we agree to let Seaver transfer to Andi Swann's unit again?"

"Because she needed the change in scenery. She got along well with Andi, and it seemed right to let her go. I don't think that she would have made it here, do you?"

JJ shook her head, thinking about the few times that she had interacted with the young woman while trying to track down Emily and Doyle. While it had been nice to have the outside opinion on their team, there was also something about Seaver that she just didn't trust. It could very well have been how green an agent she was, that she would never trust her to have her back like she did Emily, and Morgan, and Hotch. "Yeah," she finally said, hearing the sudden sadness that crept into her voice, and wishing that she could have masked that.

"What is it, kiddo?" Rossi asked as he reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder, his thumb grazing along her collarbone in a tender, fatherly, manner.

"I really miss Hotch. It's like the center of our team is gone without him here. The center cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."

"Yeats, I'm impressed," he replied, and she looked into his eyes, smirking a little.

"Well, I am well read. Poetry happens to be my guilty pleasure." Rossi nodded, giving her a knowing smile that she fought not to read too much into. "Now, I know that you did not come out of your cave to see me, so…where are you headed to?"

"I have a lunch date today, and she will not be happy if I'm late. Though I'll tell her that it was for a good cause," Rossi said as he pushed himself off her desk. "And before you ask, I'm not about to tell who she is, since you wouldn't believe me, anyway. I'll see you in a few hours."

She nodded and watched him leave, noticing that he turned in the direction of Erin's office before he disappeared from sight. There was no way that he could be having lunch with her, though, not when they despised each other. Shaking her head a little, she bent over the file that she was supposed to be working on and tried to focus once more.

"I'm heading down to the commissary for lunch, Jayje. Do you want to join me?"

Looking up at her clock, she saw that somehow thirty minutes had passed without her accomplishing anything. "I think that would be for the best, Spence," she replied as she pushed away from her desk and stood up. Stretching, she tried to crack her back and relieve some of the tension she was holding there. "So, what do you think we're going to have today?"

"If I had to make an educated guess, I would say sandwiches. Maybe some fruit." She laughed as she followed him out the door, glancing over at Derek's office as they made their way over to the elevators. From the small window next to the door, she could see that Penelope was in there, and that their heads were bent together. "Don't pay them any mind, they're just working out their grief in a different way. You know that Derek and Emily were getting close before she died."

She nodded as they stepped into the elevator, unable to shake the frown on her lips. "I suppose. It's just, Penelope and I were so close, we could tell each other everything. She's the godmother of my child. And I feel like there's this insurmountable wall between us now."

"Leaving has a way of putting up bricks where there once was flowers," he sagely said. JJ turned to look at him, and he gave her a pained smile before looking away. "I tried not to let that wall build between us."

"Thanks," she replied, shaking her head a little. "I wish that things never had to change."

"So do I, sometimes. But then I look back at who I was, before Gideon left, and I know that I could never wish to be that person again. I've grown."

"I have, too," she said hurriedly, and they shared a long look. Without meaning to, she let a few tears slip down her cheeks, and he reached out and wiped one away before giving her a sad smile. "My time with the State Department was not all it was cracked up to be. I know that Strauss's hands were tied, but I wish that I had had more of a choice in the matter. Sometimes, bureaucracy really sucks."

He nodded, chuckling a little. "You picked that phrasing up from Emily."

"I'm sorry?"

"The way you said sucks, how you drew out the s as you shook your head. Emily used to do that all the time. It makes sense, though, that we would pick up the traits of our team, since we're together so often." His smile grew a little shy as he looked down at the floor. "It's kinda nice, though, to keep pieces of our friends close at hand."

"That it is," she replied as the elevator came to a stop. "So, let's go have lunch and talk about what else we remember about our friend Emily."


	8. Chapter 8

JJ knew that Strauss was pissed from the moment she stormed into the bullpen. JJ went to stop her from heading into the interrogation room, but she was too late. Unable to stop herself from wincing as the door slammed closed behind her, she only prayed that everything would be okay, and that Rossi would come out of the encounter alive.

Shaking her head a little, she turned to Emily, relieved to finally have her back among the living. "It is so good to see your face," she said, needing a way to relieve the tension of the moment. There were times, like these, when she felt overwhelmed by everything happening at once, and she struggled to keep a happy smile on her lips.

"I know, I never thought that I would see you so soon." Emily stepped forward and ran her hand up and down JJ's arm, comforting her. "I didn't mean for them to be so upset. Maybe I should have let you tell them."

JJ shook her head violently. "No, the last time that one of our own made that sort of mistake, the results were disastrous. Doyle would never have stopped hunting you through us, and who knows how many funerals you would have missed."

The vehemence in her voice startled Emily, and she watched the woman nod a little before reaching out and squeezing JJ's hand. "I know. I just never wanted you to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. I know how much it sucks."

"Yeah." The door to the interrogation room slammed once more, and they both watched Strauss storm off. A few moments later, Rossi was hurrying out as well, and JJ wondered if he was following after her. Knowing that she couldn't devote her full attention to the task at hand if she let her mind wander, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to center herself once more. "So, about finding Declan…"

The rest of the day passed quickly, and JJ felt bone weary as she trudged into her home. All the lights were off, and she tried to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to wake Henry. Somehow, she managed to stumble into her room, smiling when she saw Will fast asleep, his hand on her pillow. Making her feet take her body over to her side of the dresser, she pulled out a pair of shorts and a tank top before going into the bathroom and completing her nightly ablutions.

Her partner hadn't budged by the time she returned, and she grinned tiredly as she pulled back the sheets and slipped in next to him. There was something so comforting about his warm presence next to her, and she snuggled in close, trying desperately not to think about the day she had just had. They were no closer to finding Doyle, and Rossi had still been acting weird, even after returning from Strauss's office.

The moment her head hit the pillow, though, it seemed like sleep was miles away. Heaving out a deep sigh, she turned onto her side and studied Will, thinking about how supportive he'd been during her transition back to the BAU. Reaching out, she caressed his face before scooting closer and letting her forehead come to rest against his, syncing their breathing very quickly. That seemed to be all she needed to finally drift off, and she fell asleep with a smile on her lips.

Hours later, however, she was waking with a start, her pleasant dream having turned into a massive nightmare. Trying to control her breathing, she pulled her legs up to her chest and let herself cry as she buried her face in her knees. Next to her, Will stirred before sitting up and blinking wearily at her. "Jay?"

"Go back to sleep, I just had a nightmare. I'll rejoin you in a moment." She went to slip out of bed so that she could wash her face when his hand shot out and closed around her wrist. "What?"

"Tell me about it. Sometimes that makes the nightmare fade away more quickly."

She bit her lip as she shrugged, wiping away the tears that had gathered on her cheeks. "It was horrible. I dreamt that I hadn't miscarried the baby, but rather, carried her to term. And just after I gave birth, Doyle stole into my hospital room and spirited her away. Hotch and I tracked him down, but before he could tell me where my baby was, Derek shot him."

"That sounds like a doozy of a dream, _cher_. I wonder what could have brought it on?" he asked as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, drawing her close to his chest. She shrugged a little before resting her head against his chest and taking a deep breath.

"I wish that I knew. I am missing my baby a lot on this case, since we're looking for Doyle's kid. Maybe my psyche is conflating the two, and showing me my worst, most horrible, nightmare of an outcome for this case?"

"Maybe," he responded as he began to stroke her hair. "Have you thought about taking a vacation when this case is over? I'm worried about you burning out. After all, you've been clearing cases at the rate of more than one a week."

"That would be so lovely," she breathed out as she sank down in the bed once more, pillowing her head on her hands as she looked up at him. "I don't know if I can do that, though. Emily isn't certain that she's going to stay with us, no matter what she tells Strauss, and if we don't have her on the team, there's no one to take my place if we were to get away."

As JJ watched, his jaw tightened a little, and she wondered what she had said to upset him so. "They got along just fine without you when you were overseas. And no one ever called on you, to make certain that you were doing all right. You were always the one to reach out. I don't know why you consider them such good friends."

"Because we work together so closely. We know secrets about each other that we could never tell to another soul, and that binds you to someone a lot more than just being casual friends. It's almost like I'm married to all of them, in different ways." JJ took hold of his hand and threaded their fingers together as she closed her eyes once more. "I know that you have to feel something like that, with your partner on the force. You need to have that bond, to know that they have your back in a tense situation, or you wouldn't have any trust there."

Will nodded a little before leaning over and kissing her forehead lightly. "I suppose that you're right, Jen. Now, try to get back to sleep, and not let any ghosts of the past hold sway over your future."

She gave a small nod before burrowing in close to him once more, pressing her nose against his chest and breathing in the last remnants of his cologne mixed with his natural scent, trying to calm her senses. That scent, along with the feel of his hands stroking her hair was enough to put her back under, her last thought being a prayer to God that she wouldn't have any more dreams that night.


	9. Chapter 9

"I still can't believe that Strauss went to bat for us," Emily said as she and JJ boarded the plane for their next assignment.

"Yeah, she's been acting a little odd ever since I returned from my stint with the State Department. I think that she might feel a bit guilty about how she treated me," JJ replied as she took a seat in her usual place. What she didn't mention to Emily was the fact that Strauss kept looking at her oddly, as if she wanted to say something to JJ, but couldn't quite find the words to formulate her question. Instead, she had the curious habit of looking out for her, winding through the bullpen at the oddest times and letting her gaze linger on JJ for a few long seconds.

And a small part of JJ wanted to reach out to the woman, but there was no way she could do so and not let everyone in on the fact that she hadn't really been transferred, that she had been on a high stake mission with Strauss. Instead, she just nodded at the woman, smiling when she could, but acting like nothing had changed between them in the months since they had both returned to the BAU.

"Hey, where did your mind go?" Rossi asked as he took a seat across from her, and she shrugged a little. "You know, you can confide in me. I was the one who brought you back to us."

That made her chuckle a little as she shook her head. "You may have gotten the ball rolling, but we both know that Strauss was the one that finalized everything. You would never have gotten me back without her approval."

"Perhaps," he replied evenly, giving her a secretive smile that made her want to ask so many questions. Before she could get the first one out, however, she looked up to see Spencer glaring at her, and she let out a sigh. "Give him time. He's just upset."

"He has every right to be, Rossi. I did keep the truth from him for almost half a year. I knew that he had issues with abandonment and death, but I chose to keep him in the dark. And he bought it."

"That's because you did a good job of lying." She flinched at his use of that word, and he reached out to pat her hand lightly. "It was what you had to do, it was what you were trained to do, and you did your job well. Even though I sort of knew that Emily wasn't really dead. You did mess up on one very tiny detail."

"And that would be?"

"You forgot about Emily's wishes for her funeral. She never wanted a casket or a grave, she wanted to be cremated. Or did you forget about that conversation?" JJ could feel her cheeks redden in a bright blush as she nodded. "That's okay, it was a small detail. But it was one that I happened to remember. We always remember the oddest thing about our teams."

"Huh, And what do you remember about me?" she teased as she settled back in her chair, watching his face.

"I remember that there are more layers to you than anyone really knows. Maybe even Hotch." She tried not to flinch at the mention of his name, but for some reason it did unsettle her. Ever since he had come back from his own stint in Afghanistan, there had been some sort of stumbling block between them, and she couldn't quite work her way past that. She missed the easy friendship they had once shared, and while she knew that he might feel a little awkward about their one night stand, she hadn't ever pressured him into having another go at things. After all, she was intent on making things work with Will.

"Hotch has his mind on other things," she murmured as she picked up her tablet and began to flip through the pictures of the two women. She didn't mean to shiver, but she couldn't stop herself, since the victims looked so much like her. Rossi immediately picked up on the move, and she gave him a weak smile.

"It's okay to be bothered by the pictures that we see, Jen. It is never a good thing to become too jaded to the horror that we see." He reached out and patted her hand softly before picking up his own tablet and starting to swipe through the pictures, taking notes on his small notepad as he went.

JJ sighed once more and tried to focus on the pictures, but she could feel eyes on her, staring at her. Looking up from the tablet, she caught Reid's eye, noticing his frown before he quickly turned his head away from her. She had known that things would most likely be strained between them, since he had been close to Emily. She hadn't figured on the amount of anger that he was harboring towards her.

Turning her attention back to the tablet, she flipped unseeingly through the crime scene pictures, wondering if anyone that she knew could ever be capable of this rage and cruelty. A small voice in the back of her head whispered that she did, indeed, though she would never acknowledge that truth, and she bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. "Fuck," she said lowly, causing Rossi to look up at her, frowning a little. "Do you have a tissue?"

"One second," he replied as he patted his suit coat, finding a handkerchief that he quickly handed over to her. JJ took hold of it, bringing it to her lips, and that movement caused a waft of perfume to rise up and tickle her senses. It was a familiar scent, and she struggled to place it as she dabbed away the bright spots of blood.

"I'm sorry, that will stain," she said as she handed it back to him, watching him shrug a little.

"We'll find a way to get it clean," he said, a distant smile on his lips as he tucked it back into his pocket. "Now, what do you think about this case?"

She leaned forward and rested her forearms on the table as she looked into his eyes. "I really don't know what to make of it. I know that there is a lot of rage behind these attacks, that you just don't pour acid on someone's eyes unless you intend to irreparably harm them. It's clear that this unsub has a type, though, since both of these women have blonde hair, and are slight of build."

"Don't worry, one of us will be at your side the entire time," he said, quickly zeroing in on the latent fear that was gnawing at the back of her mind. "It always unsettles me, too, when our unsub chooses victims that resemble me, even only slightly."

"Thank you for understanding." They shared a smile before JJ tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Emily came and joined them, sitting next to JJ, and she relaxed a little more, letting her thigh touch Emily's, as if to reassure herself that she really was there, and that she wasn't going anywhere soon. "So, do you have a feel on this case yet?"

"A little, but I really hope that I'm wrong. This unsub is building up to his real target, and the closer he gets, the worse the torture is going to be. We'll need to catch him before that happens." JJ nodded and they started to go over their various theories, trying them out to see if they held water.


	10. Chapter 10

Spencer's words had been like a punch to her gut, and though she hadn't meant to start crying, she still ended up in tears, swiping them away before Hotch could comment. He did caress her shoulder as she brushed past him, and that was enough to comfort her as she made her way to the bathroom.

JJ had spent the rest of the case glued to Rossi or Emily's side, not wanting to lose sight of them, since for some reason they made her feel safe. A small part of her had wanted to seek out Hotch, but that same damn stumbling block stood in her path once more, keeping her from his side. Though she couldn't place the reason why she was now feeling vaguely uneasy when around him alone, she knew that the feeling was there, much though she didn't want it. And that troubled her more than she was willing to let on.

And so, she once more trudged up to her bedroom, and shrugged off her clothes and, having successfully closed the case, tried to remove the lingering tentacles of fear and horror that had wrapped around her heart. This time, she was not so lucky at not disturbing Will, and he woke up to smile at her. JJ went to smile back when she noticed a flicker of irritation that was gone in a flash, and instead she shrugged a bit before sliding beneath the covers.

"I take it that was a bad case," he said lowly, and she nodded. "Then again, you don't ever seem to catch any easy ones."

"No, we don't. Sorry I'm later than I expected. Hotch wanted us to do a team building exercise over at Rossi's after this case. Reid is not adjusting to Emily's return, and I think that it has us all worried."

"The man doesn't like secrets being kept from him. I can't say as I blame him, Jen," her lover replied, his voice sounding strained and harsh to her ears. JJ frowned a little as she made herself comfortable on the bed, turning on her side so that she wouldn't have to face him. "I know that you did what you had to do to protect Emily, but there are just some things that a person can't reconcile, and that is one of them."

"I suppose," she muttered, suddenly feeling exhausted beyond belief. "We'll talk about this more in the morning."

Will muttered something in reply, but by that point, JJ was well on her way to sleep, and unable to comprehend the words he said. Her dreams started out benignly enough before turning into the nightmares that she only seemed to have at home. This time, she dreamt that her daughter was learning to turn over already, advanced for her age, but JJ knew that that was from the combination of her and Hotch's DNA. And then, a faceless woman swooped in and picked her up, spiriting her away.

JJ woke up screaming for her baby, and she barely registered Will's hand on her shoulder, pushing her back down on the mattress as he covered her mouth with his free hand. "Be quiet! You'll wake up Henry!"

"But she has my baby!" she sobbed out, turning to her partner and wrapping her arms around his waist, holding tightly to him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "Why did she take my baby?"

"Your baby died, Jen. Don't you remember? You were in that attack in Afghanistan, and there was nothing that they could do for you. Remember?"

As his words settled beneath her skin, she nodded. Still, she trembled as she thought about the nightmare. It had been so real, and she so wanted the hope of having a child out there, somewhere, that she might one day find, rather than thinking of her baby's life slipping away from her as she tried to recover from the explosion. "I do, I just, there are times when I don't want it to be true. Where I want this to be the nightmare, and I wake up, holding her close to my breast as we take care of Henry."

"We can always try again, _cher_ ," he said soothingly, and she shrugged a bit. "What? Am I not good enough for you?"

The quick anger in his voice took her aback, and she shook her head rapidly. "It's not that, I'm just not certain that I want to try and have another baby so soon after losing this one. A part of me doesn't even know if I want another child. I don't want to take the chance of failing again. We could always adopt, you know."

It was his turn to shake his head, and JJ tried not to get upset at the coldness in his eyes. "No, I want another baby of our own someday, when you've forgotten the pain of this miscarriage. I know that it won't be today, but we're together for the long haul, so soon, we'll have another child."

As he spoke, his grip on her shoulder tightened until she was hissing in pain as she wriggled it free. "I suppose," she whispered before turning around to face the wall again. A small part of her ached to know that they were not on the same page any longer when it came to their relationship, and she yearned to make things right between them.

"And, I want our second child to be born under the covenant of our marriage. I don't like the fact that Henry came before we were married. That's not the way I was raised."

She bristled at his outdated belief system, just as she had bristled under that same, smug, surety when he had come to New York and demanded she go on immediate desk duty. There was no arguing with him, though, when he got like this, the best she could do was mollify him. "We'll have to see when a good time to get married will be. I'm not ready right now."

"I'm not sure you ever will be," he muttered as he let go of her completely, turning away from her to face the bedroom door. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay." JJ listened to the way his breathing quickly evened out once more, sleep seeming to come much more quickly to him than it did to her, and sighed deeply when he was fully under. She was seeing a side to him that she didn't really like, and she wondered if it would always be like this in their relationship. If so, it may have been a blessing in disguise, losing that baby, since the knowledge of its parentage would likely be a stumbling block between the two of them for years to come.

Groaning a little, JJ slipped from bed and padded over to the bathroom, peeing quickly before taking a swig of water and trying to wash the taste of almonds from her mouth. She didn't know when she had come to associate their bitter taste with her nightmares, but it was a habitual occurrence that never failed to upset her, since she wasn't certain how the two things had become conflated in her brain, since she was fairly certain she hadn't eaten anything containing almond when she had been over at Rossi's with the team.

Shaking her head a little at her reflection, JJ swiped a damp washcloth across her face before heading back to bed and crawling in beside Will once more, trying to find the peace of sleep that seemed intent on eluding her that evening.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

"Well, I can't get home right now, Will. I am in the middle of a case, and you know that! Yes, I realize that Henry is extremely ill, but this was part of the deal, I have a job that takes me away from home a lot of the time, and you agreed to that. We didn't have to stay together, I could have had my mother come and live with me, taking care of Henry while I was away. But no, you wanted to help raise my son."

"He's our son," Will hissed, "and he is missing his mommy. He doesn't understand why his mommy won't come home when he's so sick!"

She shuddered a little at the anger in his voice and she tried not to burst into tears at the guilt trip that Will was laying on her. It wasn't like JJ wanted to be separated from her son, especially when he was so ill. "I wish that it was so simple as coming home, Will. But I have the weather to contend with, and there aren't any planes flying out right now."

JJ pinched the bridge of her nose as she listened to the angry breath that Will drew in. She didn't want to prepare herself for yet another tirade from him, berating her on the fact that she was useless as a mother. Feeling eyes on her, she looked over and saw Hotch giving her a sympathetic smile. She nodded and held up one finger before turning her attention back to the phone. "Seriously, our child matters less to you than that case? That they can solve without you?"

"No, Will, he doesn't. But I have to be here, and I have to go. We'll talk later." JJ hung up before Will could respond, expelling a harsh breath through her nose. "Sorry about that, Hotch, it's just, Will is really upset about the fact that I'm refusing to come home."

"We could handle this case a man down, Jayje, and we'd be fine."

"And if I were to go home right now, all I would be able to do is focus on Henry and how sick he is. It wouldn't do me any good at all, and I would rather be here. I know, it doesn't make sense, but, I think that I would drive myself crazy just waiting and watching."

"I understand." Hotch reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder, his thumb rubbing back and forth against her collarbone. The move comforted her, and she leaned into it, letting her guard down a little. "There was a time that we thought Jack was going to have more health issues than he does. Haley freaked out on me when I missed an important appointment, but it had completely slipped my mind. Had I been there, though, it probably would have been just like you said. Though, I would have been on the phone to Garcia, having her look up everything that the doctor was telling us."

She managed to laugh a little as she nodded. "And she would have found out everything that she could for you."

"Of course, because she's our resident tech genius."

JJ nodded before sighing a little. "Sometimes, I like to think of her as an angel in my life. She's done so much for me."

Hotch gave her one of his rare smiles and she felt the truth of her miscarriage trembling on her lips, trying to flutter free. The mood was broken, though, when Emily joined them. The frown on her face seemed to indicate that she thought there was more to the situation than there really was. "Hey, Garcia has some information for us."

"Good, I'll gather everyone in the conference room," he replied smoothly as he stepped away from JJ and left them behind. JJ couldn't help but stare after him, a deep frown on her face.

"What is your problem, JJ?"

The words should have sounded more accusatory than they were, but she took it in stride as she shook her head. "Will is just bothering the crap out of me right now. Like, I'm not worried enough about Henry as it is, but he's trying to guilt me into dropping everything and coming home to check on him. It's not like I can do anything, you know? I'm not a doctor, Emily, I can't fix Henry faster." She sighed as her shoulders dropped, and Emily reached out for her hand, squeezing it lightly.

"I'm surprised that you can focus on the task at hand, honestly. I would be worried sick."

JJ shrugged a little. "I am. My heart aches for Henry. But if I were there, I would just be driving myself crazy. Plus there's the fact that Will and I are going at it like cats and dogs at the moment. He's asked me to marry him, but this is exactly the reason why I've said no so far. We're just so different in some ways. And I just know that if I get pregnant, he's going to want me to stay home from the moment I get the first positive pregnancy test."

"Like he could really keep you from going out in the field," Emily said darkly, and JJ nodded, giving her a knowing look. "Besides, I would so kick his ass if he tried any of that shit on you."

"Thanks, Blackbird," she said, giving Emily a small wink before letting go of her hand and gesturing with her head towards the door. Emily nodded before following her into the conference room. They both avoided Spencer, since he was still a little touchy around them. JJ supposed that it was only her fault, though, since she had kept the truth from him.

Garcia gave her a gentle smile before launching into the information that she did have on the case, but there was scant amount of new things to learn, since there hadn't been a tornado in the forecast for that day. Sighing, JJ tried to keep her focus, but all her thoughts were turned towards her son at that moment.

"I wish that I could be of more help here, guys. But as soon as I have a few more parameters, I can get you everything that I need. I wish I was more psychic to go with the being the Office of Supreme Genius."

"That's okay, Garcia, we know that you're doing your best." JJ looked up to see Hotch wearing one of his patented 'I'm proud of you' faces, and she couldn't stop the little thrum of jealousy that rumbled in her stomach. Which she knew was ridiculous, since she was still with Will, and would be for a long time to come.

"All right, I'll hit you back soon! Stay safe, and remember: There's no place like home!"

Garcia closed the video link, and JJ deflated in the chair a little. Glancing over at Rossi, she saw that he had taken careful notes on his tablet, and she couldn't help but smile. That was one of the things that had quickly endeared him to her, and she wished that she could be as dedicated, especially since she was still so new to the profiling side of the job. "All right, I'll get us lunch. Maybe one of the detectives can recommend a good take out place," the older man said as he pushed away from the desk. "I wouldn't expect too much, though, since this is rural Kansas."

They all nodded, and JJ watched him leave the room, wishing that the rest of this case would fly by so that she could be home with her son.


	12. Chapter 12

Florida cases were always the worst, and this one seemed to be the worst of all. JJ wasn't dumb, she knew that something was up with Erin, even if the older woman wouldn't come right out and say it. And so, JJ had taken to watching her as the case progressed, seeing how frazzled and nervous she became as things dragged on.

Emily had noticed the scrutiny that JJ was paying their boss, and had started throwing questioning looks her way, too. Finally, she couldn't stand the looks any longer, and so she had dragged Emily into the bathroom, locking the door behind them. "Just ask the question that's on your mind, Em."

"Why are you so concerned about Strauss?" she asked, confusion tinging her voice.

JJ had been expecting a question like that, and yet she still found herself shrugging a little. Her feelings were tied up to her assignment in Afghanistan, and she knew that she couldn't divulge a lot of the particulars behind that. "There's more to her than we know, Emily," she finally replied, biting her lips as she drifted over to the sinks and rested her hands on one, staring into the mirror. "I wish that I could tell you more…"

"But you were on a classified mission that you can't really talk about, not even with your closest friends."

She whirled around and stared at Emily, feeling her mouth open and close like a fish. "How?"

"I was a CIA agent, Cheeto Breath, I think I know a little about trying to cover my tracks and making a believable lie. Was Strauss with you, wherever you were?" She nodded. "And that let you see a different side of her."

"Yeah. We were in close quarters, and it was just the two of us women. I mean, it's not like we bonded and had sleepovers and did each other's hair while gossiping about our lovers, but I learned enough about her to be concerned when I can see that something's wrong."

Emily nodded as she joined her by the sinks, resting her ass against one as she reached out for JJ's hand. "And what do you think is wrong?"

"I wish that I could tell you. Our assignment was…difficult to say the least, and there's a small part of me that wishes I could have gotten a little closer to her. I don't think that she has many close friends, you know?"

"You don't get to be Section Chief of the BAU by being nice, Jayje." Emily squeezed her hand before turning and facing her. "Though it is nice that you're concerned. Everyone needs someone who looks out for them."

"Thanks," she said as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "So, now you know why I'm concerned. I just hope that Rossi can help her out."

"Ooh, you don't think that they're a couple, do you?"

Once more, JJ shrugged. "I couldn't really say, though they have seemed a little friendlier since I returned to the BAU."

"That is the best office gossip ever, JJ. I so have to tell Garcia your theory."

"NO! Seriously, if they have a good thing going, I don't want to mess it up with loose lips. I mean, she has a lot more to lose than he does."

Emily frowned a little as JJ narrowed her eyes. "Fine," she sighed out moments later. "We'll do it your way."

"Good."

The rest of the day passed in a blur, though she did notice Derek and Hotch having a heated talk at one point. Though she had wanted to see what was up, she also didn't want to be on the receiving end of Hotch's displeasure. And so, when she went to sleep that night, she found her slumber troubled as she tossed and turned, trying to find some peace in Slumber Land.

JJ drifted off at last, but her rest was soon interrupted by a strange nightmare. Though she knew that she was dreaming, that none of what she was seeing was real, she still couldn't seem to wake up, and she felt her breathing speed up as she ran towards Erin and her baby. The woman was holding her in her arms, and JJ could tell that the woman was trying her best to protect her from the dragon that was chasing them. And it seemed like no matter what JJ tried to do to catch up to them, it was never enough. Finally, the dragon caught up to Erin and her baby, and the older woman crouched down, trying to protect the child from the fiery blast.

As the smoke cleared, and JJ beheld the charred remains of the woman and her baby, she began to scream. And it was then that she felt someone trying to shake her awake. With a loud, gasping, breath, she opened her eyes, staring into the concerned faces of Erin and Emily. "Are you all right?" the older woman asked, stopping her hand before it touched her hair. JJ knew, in her heart of hearts, that she had been going to smooth her hair back, and the thought of the gesture made her tear up as she shook her head.

"Was it another nightmare?" Emily asked, completing the motion that Erin felt she couldn't do.

"Another nightmare?" JJ asked, looking between the two women for confirmation of Emily's words.

"Yes, you've had them every night. You've always snapped out of them on your own before tonight. Do you want to talk about it?" Erin took a seat on her bed, folding her legs up close to her chest as if she felt uncomfortable and exposed by even asking that question. Emily followed suit, her eyes never leaving JJ as she waited for answers.

Swallowing thickly, JJ sat up and copied Erin's body position, letting her chin come to rest on her knees. "You were in it, Erin."

The woman blanched before looking away from her. "Why were you dreaming about me?" she asked, the softness of her voice doing little to mask how insecure she sounded in that moment.

"Because I'm concerned about you. I know that something's up, that you don't really want to talk about it, and that's okay. It's just that my subconscious is filling in the details that I don't know and making them seem monstrous." Fat tears began to slip down her cheeks, and she flicked them away with the knuckle of her pointer finger.

"Oh," Erin breathed out as she reached out and rested one hand on JJ's knee, her thumb rubbing back and forth a little. "I'm going to disappoint you, even more than I already have." The older woman looked between both of them, and then she gazed back down at her legs. "I don't apologize very often, but this time, I really am sorry. And I know that this is the night talking, allowing me to be vulnerable, but if I could change things, I would."

The tenderness in Erin's voice made JJ choke up even more, yet when she reached out to her, she pulled away, shaking her head a little as she slipped off the bed and went back to her own, crawling beneath the covers and turning her back to them. JJ knew that move quite well, since she had used it on Will a time or two before, when she was completely done with being open and honest, because it hurt too much to even think of saying or hearing more.

Emily opened her mouth, but JJ shook her head, pressing one finger against her lips as she stretched out on the mattress once more. "Stay with me until I fall asleep again?" she murmured, looking up at her best friend trustingly.

"Of course, Jayje," she replied, stroking her hair as JJ closed her eyes and struggled to go to sleep once more.


	13. Chapter 13

JJ felt lost, there was no other word for it. Will was still upset with her from the fight they had had the previous week, and Erin wasn't in her office, she hadn't been there for a few weeks. And Hotch, well, he had found someone else to keep company with, or so office gossip said, and that just made her feel even worse.

Letting out a deep sigh, she scrolled down through Penelope's wishlist once more, trying to find the perfect gift for her. Ever since they had returned from San Francisco, time had seemed to grow wings, and Christmas was just around the corner. She felt like all her gifts this year were going to fall flat, like she was going to fail her friends, and that made her sadder than it really should. Sighing deeply, she closed her eyes, randomly scrolled around the page and then opened her eyes to find some geeky computer thing that she didn't really understand sitting on her screen. "I really hope that she likes this," she whispered as she ordered the item, sending it directly to her friend's doorstep.

Pushing away from her desk, she began to pace around the bullpen, needing to take her mind off the lingering doubts that she had about everything in her life. Rossi's office door opened, and she caught the older man's eye. He gave her a long, searching, look, and she shook her head. His shoulders sagged a little as he beckoned to her.

It was nothing to make her feet head up the steps and enter his office, and JJ welcomed the warm arm around her shoulders that led her over to the leather couch that sat in the corner of his room. "What is on your mind, kiddo?"

The warm words made her tear up, and she shook her head, unable to explain just how wrong and off everything felt. "I don't know, and I wish I did. I feel on the verge of crying every day, like I've failed everyone. And it's like these feelings are coming from nowhere, since I don't think I've done anything to disappoint anyone here. This is a time where I would dearly love to talk to Strauss, but it seems like she's abandoned me, and I wonder if she's gone off on our…"

Her words trailed off as she realized what she had almost revealed to Rossi. He seemed to take it in stride, though, since he didn't poke at her, or ask her to tell him anything more. "She's not on assignment, but she can't take visitors. Believe me, I've tried. And before you ask, I'm not telling you why I might want to visit her."

There was a playful glint in his eyes, beneath the serious expression on his face, and she nodded, wondering if they really were a couple, or if she was just setting up everyone to make them happy. "Well, if you can, let her know that she's missed."

"I can do that for you, kiddo. Now, are you feeling any better, or should I go after someone and kick their ass for making you feel so low?"

JJ let out a watery giggle as she shook her head. "I'm afraid that you'd be kicking my ass, Rossi. Seriously, I have no idea what is happening in my mind right now."

"Well, it's a good thing that we have the holidays off this year, so that you can rest and relax." His hand gently massaged her shoulder as she nodded. "Now, have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?"

"No, I was planning on doing more of that after work today."

He shook his head as he grinned at her. "How about I send you, Emily, and Kitten, home right now, with the order to spend the afternoon shopping together?"

"That would be really nice, actually." JJ stood up and made her way over to the door. "Should I send them in here, or should I let you do the honors?"

Rossi stood and dug around in his pocket before handing over a credit card. JJ didn't want to look at it, but as he pressed it into her hand, she felt like her breath had been sucked from her lungs. "Yes, I know. It is an AmEx Black. And you are going to use it today and not worry about what anything costs, especially when it comes to your son."

"I can't do that," she protested, only to feel him close her fingers around the heavy piece of plastic. "That's not…"

"I don't have any children, Jen. I have more money than God, or so it seems, and will never be able to spend it all before I die. Please, humor an old man and make a wonderful Christmas for your family."

JJ knew that she could argue with him any longer, so she finally nodded. "Only as long as Penelope and Emily have that same privilege."

"Of course, kiddo. Now go, round them up and get out of here before I change my mind."

He smiled at her as she nodded and turned on her heel, exiting the office all out of breath at the display of generosity. Since Penelope was closer, she went down to her office and knocked rapidly on the door. "Yes, Jayje?" her friend asked as she wrenched the door open. All JJ could do was hold up the credit card, watching Penelope's eyes grow large as she looked from it to her face and back again. "That, that is a really exclusive card."

"It is, and we're allowed to use it and finish our Christmas shopping today. Just us three women," she replied, noting how dazed her voice sounded. "He said that this was his gift to us, since he doesn't have any children."

"Oh, wow. That is really generous," Penelope whispered as she grabbed her coat and slipped it on. "Let's get going before he takes it back. All of a sudden, I feel like Cinderella at the ball."

"That is exactly how I feel," she replied as they quickly climbed down the stairs. Emily looked up at them, giving them a quizzical look as they approached her desk. "We have been cut for the day, with orders to finish our shopping. You should thank your lucky stars that I drove the van to work this morning."

"What?" Emily asked, still not getting what they were saying.

"Rossi is being totally generous and giving us the use of his American Express card." Penelope squealed a little as she waggled her fingers excitedly. "Seriously, this really is the most wonderful time of the year, thanks to him."

"And yet, JJ doesn't look quite as excited about this as you do, PG."

JJ blushed a little as she dug the toe of her shoe into the carpet. "I'm still in a bit of a fog over the generosity that he's showing us. After all, he doesn't have to be so kind."

Once more, the well of unworthiness seemed to open up in her heart, and JJ bit her lip to keep from showing her emotions to them. She was trying to learn from Emily just how to compartmentalize everything in her life, and she felt like she was doing a pretty good job, even if Rossi could see right through her. Emily, though, didn't completely buy the façade she was wearing, since she reached out and squeezed her hand before standing and pulling on her jacket. "All right, if Rossi really wants to pay that credit card bill, let's not disappoint him." They walked out together, and JJ tried to get her emotions back in check, not wanting to reveal her hidden heart to them at that moment.


	14. Chapter 14

"All the years I've lived on the East Coast, I've never visited Atlantic City," JJ said as she took a seat on the jet. Emily shook her head a little, and JJ wondered what was going through her head. "What? It's not like I've had the money to just head out there any time that I wished. I didn't get my student loans paid off until the third year I was with the FBI."

"Oh. I forget sometimes that not everyone has the same background that I do," she replied softly before reaching across the table and giving her hand a gentle pat. "Sorry. I just love spending weekends here."

"Especially those Sin to Win ones?" Derek asked as he came up to their sides, plopping down next to Emily and knocked shoulders with her. "You know, you never did tell me what those were all about. What sorts of sins did you commit to win the prize?" he teased.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she replied, reclining against the back of the seat. "That is just one of the things that is going to have to remain a mystery between us." Emily was trying to smile, but JJ noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes. Yet with everything that she had been through in the last few months, she didn't blame Emily for not fitting back in as seamlessly as she could. And the lingering tension that existed between her and Morgan, and JJ and Reid, only seemed to drive home how far apart they all still were.

"If Strauss was here, she'd know how to fix everything," JJ whispered as she looked down at her stomach. No one seemed to hear her words, and for that she was grateful, but she couldn't help feeling like there were serious cracks in the foundation of their team. The rest of the way to Atlantic City, JJ found herself lost in her own thoughts, wondering what the case would bring them. This one seemed weird from the outset, and she hated those cases, since they never went well.

By the time they landed, Morgan and Emily had broken out a deck of cards and were caught up in a tense game of five card stud. JJ didn't play many card games, so she wasn't able to keep up with them, she only knew that Derek was losing, and badly from the faces he was pulling.

"All right, card sharks, we have to get to the precinct." They all looked up at Rossi, though JJ noticed that his gaze was fixed on her. "Are you ready to head out?"

"I suppose," she replied as she took hold of his outstretched hand and let him guide her out onto the tarmac. "What's up?" she murmured as they walked to the waiting vehicles.

"You seem tense these days. Is there anything that you'd like to tell me?"

Trust him to see way too much, even if she wanted to keep it hidden. It was the reason that he was so good at his job. "I wish that I could give you something that would make sense. There's just this lingering feeling of unease in me, and I don't know where it's coming from. Though I do wake up some nights with the taste of almonds on my tongue. Did you know, that after a while, almonds taste bitter?"

His head cocked to one side as he helped her into the back of one of the SUVs, climbing in beside her. "No, I can't say that I did know that, Jen." Rossi took a deep breath, as if he wanted to ask her something else, but was holding back for some reason.

"Well, they do." She fell silent, leaning her head against the window as Hotch got behind the wheel and drove them out to the precinct. The rest of the day passed in a blur, and JJ felt like she was just going through the motions of her job, while the others made actual, concrete, progress on the case.

She did catch Hotch looking at her in concern a few times, and she vowed to herself to act normal for the rest of the case. Which worked well up until Rossi put himself in the line of fire, and she cleaved to Hotch, feeling a fierceness in her breast that she hadn't felt in months. There was something so right about standing next to Hotch, even if it was only for a few tense minutes.

It had still been awful to see the man commit suicide in front of them, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to erase that image from her mind for a long time to come. Giving a half-hearted wave to the rest of the team, she trudged up to her hotel room and closed herself behind the door, sinking to the floor as she scrambled to pull out her cellphone and dial home. She needed to hear Will's voice, to have him reassure her that everything was going to be all right.

"Did you solve the case, Jay?" he asked before even telling her hello, and she felt a little bothered by that, by the lack of niceties in their conversations lately.

"We did, I should be home tomorrow sometime. Did Henry get right to sleep?"

"He was out like a light tonight. I think that he just played all the energy out of himself today. We went to the park after I got off my shift, but it wasn't the same without you. Oh, and a Matt Cruz called, asking after you. I thought you were done with him and all that business?"

There was a touch of jealousy in his voice, and JJ smiled at the idea that she was still someone he would get jealous over, that she was still desirable to him in that way. "I am, but we still have a few loose ends that might come up now and again. I suppose that's one of the drawbacks of a mission like mine. I'm glad that I'm back with the BAU, though, since I get to stay in the US."

"That is very true. Henry seemed to miss you more this case than in previous ones. I think that it was so close to home, you know?"

"How would he know that?"

"I've taken to showing him on the map where you all are. It makes him more comfortable with things, which is what he needs. Stability and comfort are the best things for a kid his age."

She could almost hear the vague displeasure in his voice that spoke of how much he resented the fact that she had chosen to return to the BAU rather than stay home permanently with Henry once her stint in Afghanistan had come to an end. "And I would love to be able to take a normal nine to five job, Will. That's just not in my blood. I know what it's like to bring down some of the monsters that are in this world, making it just a little bit safer for Henry when he spreads his wings and flies away from us. You know that same feeling, don't tell me otherwise."

There was a long pause, and JJ could almost hear him muttering a little on the other end of the line. "I suppose that you have a point there, Jay. I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, we all get like that. I'll see you soon?"

"Yes, you will, and Henry will be glad to see his mother." There was a long sigh before he spoke once more. "Love you."

"Love you, too," she replied before ending the call and getting up off the floor, making her way over to the bed. She was too tired to even think about taking her clothes off, and she crawled beneath the covers and pulled them up over her head, letting sleep claim her.


	15. Chapter 15

"I can't believe that you're heading to California twice in the space of a week, Jay. Don't they have their own branch of the FBI out there that could solve these cases?"

JJ tried not to roll her eyes at Will's complaints as she shook her head. "No, I'm afraid they don't. Or at least, not for cases like this. Everything is about to fly to pieces out there, and we need to stop it before the city erupts into violence. Then it really will be all hands on deck and who knows when I'd be home. An ounce of prevention…"

"Is worth a pound of cure. Yeah, I've read Benjamin Franklin, too, Jay. And I get it, but your son misses you."

She let out a long, slow, breath, counting to ten in her head as she tried not to explode on him. "The guilt trip thing that you've developed in the last year does not work so well on me, Will. We're going to be together forever, we have a child together, but we also knew going into this relationship that there were certain things that I would have to do for my job. Going out into the field was one of them."

Will shook his head angrily as he stomped over to their closet. "Fine, go off, then. You'll only have yourself to blame when he doesn't know who you are."

It was a low blow, and JJ longed to retaliate physically. Yet she didn't want Henry to walk in on something like that, she held her breath and counted to twenty this time as she waited for Will's next move. It came in the form of him throwing her go bag at her, and she scooped it up onto her arm. "Thank you, so much, Will. We'll talk more when I get home. And I'll call Henry each night at seven before he goes to bed."

"We'll see," he scoffed, and JJ couldn't help but flip him off before storming out of the room and down the stairs. Henry was peeking out of the living room, and she gave him a bright smile, pausing to see what he would do.

"Where are you going to this week, Mom?" he lisped out and she beckoned him to her side before hugging him tightly.

"I'm going back to California. Daddy won't even have to move the pin this time."

"Oh. You're out in California a lot."

"A lot of people live out there."

"I suppose." Her son kissed her cheek before hugging her tightly once more. "Stay safe, and look after Mister Hotch."

"I'll try, kiddo." JJ gently pushed him away and tousled his hair before heading out through the kitchen and into the garage. The drive to the BAU managed to soothe her frazzled nerves, and she found herself regretting her rash actions. She should keep her cool with her lover, especially since she didn't want her son overhearing raging arguments like she had, after Ros had died. "Dammit, that means I have to apologize," she muttered, wondering if she could get away with pushing that off until she got home from this case.

Shaking her head, she fought the urge to whip out her phone and call home, knowing that that might only serve to push Will closer to the brink of true anger. And yet, a small part of her felt like she was failing, again. The fact that the sensation lingered told her that she was having obvious issues with it, but she didn't want to talk to anyone about it, since it would mean that she would have to discuss losing her baby, her biggest failure of all.

Somehow, she made it to the parking garage without getting into an accident, and she parked in her normal spot. Turning her head to the right, she saw that Emily was already there, and she sighed a little before grabbing her fresh go bag out of the back and making her way into the building.

"Good morning, Jajye!" She paused to smile at Derek, letting him catch up to her before they continued over to the elevators. "So, how are you this morning?"

"Frustrated. I had to explain to Henry how I'm flying out to California today."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, Penny texted me this morning to tell me where we were heading. I think she does that with Hotch, too, so that he can tell Jack. It's easier when he knows where I'm at, you know?" She gave him a wry smile, and he nodded a little. "So, California two times in a week, huh?"

"Yeah, but at least it's not Florida. Nothing good happens in Florida." Morgan's eyes took on a faraway look, and JJ wondered what he was thinking of. "Have you seen Strauss yet? I thought that she was supposed to be back by now."

"Is she on vacation or something? Because I have not seen hide nor hair of her since we got back from that case in Florida. Is that what's bothering you? Did something happen after that case?"

He shook his head shortly, shifting his eyes away from her as he watched the numbers on the elevator rise. The tension in his shoulders told her that there was something he wasn't telling her, and she wondered how long it would take to drag it out of him. "There are some things that I can't tell you about, Jen, much though I would like to. I thought that it had filtered down to everyone already, but I guess that sometimes gossip doesn't make it down to everyone."

His cryptic answer bothered her, but it also relieved her, since it gave her something else to think about, other than her argument that morning. The fact that Morgan wanted to protect Erin meant that it was something big that had happened, but she didn't know what. In the back of her mind, she went over the late night conversation that she had had with Erin and Emily, wondering if that factored into things at all. "But why would she think that I would be disappointed in her?" she murmured as she looked down at her hands.

"What?"

"Just talking to myself, Der. We had a conversation one night while we were in Florida, and Strauss just said something that struck me as odd. She cares enough about our opinion of her that she doesn't want us to be disappointed in her."

"Well, she might have thought about that a few years ago when she was coming down on us so hard. Or before she sent you away. She has too many black marks against her for me to just blithely consider her feelings." There was something cold about the way that Derek said those words, and it hurt her heart a little to hear the callousness dripping from his lips.

"Sometimes, people keep their hidden heart buried away from public view, because they can't be that person in the workforce. There are layers to everyone, you should know that."

"I do," he replied, sounding a bit sheepish, "and I guess that I forget she's human at times. I'll try to keep in mind that fact, for your sake, at least."

"Thanks." They shared a short look and she tried to smile at him, glad that he had provided her with a short distraction from her troubles at home.


	16. Chapter 16

JJ still felt sick to her stomach at the events that had gone down in Seattle. That woman had been so deluded, and the fact that she had dragged another innocent young boy into her orbit just made her want to vomit. The mood on the plane was very subdued, and she kept finding her eye drawn back to Hotch. Finally, after all the others were occupied, she got out of her seat and made her way over to him.

"What can I do for you, Jayje?" he asked as she sat across from him.

"This was an awful case. I feel like every unsub has been trying to outdo each other this year. At least some years, they're somewhat predictable in their violence."

He nodded before looking down at his phone. "You try to protect your children from all the monsters that exist out in the world, forgetting to tell them that they can't trust their teachers. Because who ever really doubts their teachers? They're supposed to guide us into making good decisions, you know?"

"I do. And usually the women aren't even caught, or it's swept under the rug. Who knows how many lives she would have ruined had she been allowed to continue on as she was." Sighing, she rested her body against the wall of the plane and stared at Hotch. "And that poor baby, having to one day find out what his parentage is. I cannot imagine that conversation."

"I'm hoping that that conversation is never had. The poor child does not need those details."

JJ shook her head a little. "You know that when they get old enough to get on the internet, the first thing they'll look up is their parents, to see if there's anything on there about them. Hasn't Jack…?"

"Not yet, thank God. Granted, I have told him age appropriate information each year on Haley's birthday, but I know that the day is coming when he's going to ask about what really happened to his mother." His face took on the tight, guarded, tense, expression he normally wore when he was thinking about things that upset him. "I know that I have to be ready for that day, too, but I'm not."

"How could you ever be fully ready for that conversation, Hotch?" She slipped her hand across the table and covered his lightly, hoping that he wouldn't mind the contact. "If something like that were to happen to Will, I would have no idea how to explain it to Henry."

He nodded in agreement, not moving his hand, and JJ tried not to grin like a fool as the warm contact extended between them for longer that it probably should have. "I should take you to the gallery that Beth works for," Hotch said suddenly, and JJ tried not to let disappointment shine from her features as she nodded. Hotch just had to go and remind her that they were both in committed relationships, and that certain lines of thought were dangerous.

"That would be really nice. I should probably start introducing a little culture into my son's life, after all," she replied smoothly as she drew her hand back and rested it on her stomach. "Do you think that you'll have another kid?"

"I don't know. It's hard enough with Jack, and I don't know how right I would feel about bringing another life into the world and halving the attention I gave Jack to share with the new baby."

For some reason his answer bothered her, and she wondered anew if she should tell him about what they had both lost due to her foolishness and failure in Afghanistan. Realizing, though, that this wasn't the time, she held her tongue and instead let her eyes close, letting the dull roar of the jet engines sing her to sleep.

"Wake up, Jen," she heard some time later. Blinking open her eyes, she saw Hotch leaning over her, an open look on his face. And she was almost certain that she was mirroring that look of yearning as they looked away from each other. "We're just about to land."

"Thanks, Hotch," she mumbled as she sat up and prepared herself for the landing. Once they were off the plane, she automatically began to follow Derek and Emily, knowing that with Derek's lead foot, they would be back to the BAU in no time, and then she could head home.

She was surprised to see the lights on when she did arrive home, and her gut instinct was to reach for her gun, fearing that something was wrong. And then she saw Will silhouetted in the living room window, talking on the phone to someone, and she relaxed.

Climbing out of the car, she stumbled inside and dropped her phone and keys off on the counter before creeping into the living room, not wanting to disturb his conversation. "…has black hair? That's a surprise. She's not giving you too much trouble, is she?"

JJ came into his line of sight, and she watched the way his eyes widened almost imperceptibly, as if she wasn't supposed to overhear this conversation, and she wondered just who it was that he was talking to. "Will?" she asked lowly, cocking her head to one side.

"I have to go, Auntie Della. I'll talk to you soon."

Will hung up and tried to mask his panic with a smile as he slipped the cellphone into his pocket. "We got back earlier than I thought we would, Will. Who's your aunt Della? Have you ever mentioned her before?"

"No, I don't think that I have mentioned her to you. She lives in New Orleans, near where Daddy used to live. Her daughter just had a baby, I guess, and moved back in with them. We're trying to figure out where she got black hair from, since everyone in our family is blondish."

JJ nodded, not certain if she should believe his explanation. There was a shiftiness to his gaze that was making her doubt the words coming out of his mouth, though she wasn't really looking to pick a fight right that minute. "Well, if I remember right, being blonde is a recessive trait, so if the dad has black hair, it makes sense the baby would, too."

For some reason, she couldn't help but think once more of the baby that she had lost, wondering if she would have had dark hair like her father, or taken after Jack and Henry. "You look exhausted, _cher_. Let's head up to bed, I was just waiting for you to get home anyway, when I took her call."

"That sounds really great," she replied as she took hold of his outstretched hand and let him guide her upstairs. "Did Henry go to sleep without too much fuss?"

"Yeah, he was out like a light again. I wish that I could sleep like that. I think that he picked it up from you." She smiled to hear the teasing in his voice. It had been so long since she had joked around with him, or so it felt, that this was most welcome.

"Why would you say that?" she teased back, nudging him with her shoulder.

"Because I know that within two minutes of you crawling beneath those covers, you will be out like a light, and won't wake up until you hear the alarm. You're like that every night, especially on the weekends. Really, you should try to be less predictable."

"I'll try, if only for you," she tartly replied before stepping into their bedroom and starting to strip off her clothes. "Though I think that there might be a way for you to keep me awake…"


	17. Chapter 17

JJ could have sworn that someone was following her on her way out to her car. There was something about dealing with the mysteries of life that unnerved her, and she wondered if it stemmed from the fact that she wasn't entirely certain that God was out there and listening to her prayers any longer, since He hadn't been able to answer them back when she was younger and begging for Ros to come back to her.

"You know that he was mentally unbalanced, Jareau. There are no such things as witches and demons and things that go bump in the night," she whispered to herself as she slipped behind the wheel and backed out of her parking space. The entire drive home, though, she kept the music turned up so that she wouldn't lose herself in thought and start to go down a rabbit trail that would haunt her for the rest of the evening.

By the time she had arrived home, JJ had almost convinced herself that imagination and suggestion were the root causes of the case, and she pulled into the garage, closing the door and getting out of her car to take a deep breath of air. April always made her joyous, with the promise of flowers and blue skies and new life. And so, she went inside with a grin on her face, toeing off her shoes before heading up to the bedroom.

Will was fast asleep when she went inside, and she tried not to wake him as she grabbed out pajamas and made her way to the bathroom, figuring that the last thing she needed to wipe away the lingering unease of the case was a long, hot, shower. Turning, she blew a kiss to her sleeping lover before closing herself in the bathroom and stepping into the shower.

She had no idea how much time passed as she washed her hair and body, though she did let the water run cold before getting out. Wrapping a towel around her body, she wiped the mirror clean with another and took a good look at herself. There was still a lingering sorrow in her eyes that she couldn't quite seem to get rid of, though none of her other team members commented on it. Then again, maybe they didn't look close enough to see it. With a long sigh, she dropped the towel and pulled on her tank top and shorts before kicking the used towel into the hamper.

When she went back into the bedroom, Will was still asleep, though he had changed positions, now facing the outside of the bed, which meant that she couldn't cuddle with him, as she found it very hard to be the big spoon. Frowning a little, she made certain to grab an extra pillow as she went past the closet, intent on holding that through the night instead. "I love you," she whispered to the air as she fought to get comfortable and drift off to sleep herself.

Sometime in the night, though, the nightmares came once more. This time, Strauss was replaced with Penelope, and both the woman and her baby were chained to a large rock. As JJ got closer to them, she could see that the infant had ink black hair, and she reached a hand out towards them. The pain of having her hand taken clean off was enough to wake her out of the dream, and she sat up with a gasp, feeling Will stir next to her.

"Did you have another bad dream?" he asked, his accent more pronounced than usual, as if he had been startled awake, too.

"Yeah, I just can't seem to get rid of them. And they're all variations on a theme – my inability to rescue my friends and family." She had learned not to mention the baby, since Will never reacted well when she talked about that aspect, and she felt a little hollow inside at the lie of omission.

"Maybe you need to take a sleeping pill, or something," he replied, turning to face her, his arm coming to rest around her waist as he pulled her flush against him. "I thought I heard that you don't dream with them."

"Yeah, but I also have to be certain I'll have eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. The likelihood of that happening with the life I lead is slim to none." Letting out a deep sigh, she closed her eyes and tried to picture a happier time, when she hadn't had to worry about secrets and lies and hurting the ones she loved.

"I didn't think about that, Jay. Is there anything I can do to get you back to sleep?"

She thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Just hold me until I slip back under. I get to sleep in tomorrow, since it will just be a paperwork day, and we won't be heading anywhere."

"That's good to hear. Maybe we could go out tomorrow night, then, and take Henry to Pizza Express."

"That would be great!" she said as she got comfortable once more, determined not to have any more bad dreams that night.

When the alarm finally went off the next morning, though, she still felt exhausted, like sleep hadn't even factored into the night she had just left behind. Getting up, she stumbled over to the dresser and pulled out fresh undergarments, dressing as quickly as she could before making her way downstairs. Will was standing at the stove, and from the smell of things, he was making pancakes. "I have a mug of coffee already made for you, just take a seat and wait for me to serve you."

"That sounds heavenly, Will," she mumbled out, plopping down on one of the stools as she wrapped her hands around her mug, letting the warmth of the brew bleed into her a little before lifting it to her lips and taking a long drag. "I hope that I didn't keep you up last night, I feel as though I didn't get any sleep at all."

"You really didn't, _cher_. I tried to soothe you a lot, but you were so restless."

"I'm sorry. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch tonight, so that I don't keep you up. I mean, you do have a shift tomorrow, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. But you don't have to do that, Jen."

She shrugged a little as she poured maple syrup over her stack of pancakes. "I don't want you to go to work tired. I don't want to lose you because of something that I did."

Their eyes met, and she thought she saw a flicker of guilt in his expression before it was buried by the look of love that she had quickly come to recognize. "I can be careful, don't you worry. Now, I know that this is a weird time to ask, but have you given any more thought about making things a little more official between us? I mean, if I were to die in the line of duty, it would be much harder for you to get death benefits, and I'm certain that the same would be true for me if something happened to you."

She didn't like to think about that, and so she shook her head, trying to clear those thoughts from her mind. "You're right, I know you are, I just don't want to think about that right now. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Jay. It's just something to keep in mind, especially with the jobs that we do." She nodded and turned her focus onto her food, needing to think of something other than the thought of their own mortality.


	18. Chapter 18

"Are you certain that you want to do this, _cher_?" Will asked, wincing a little as he hugged JJ close. She nodded and took a deep breath, grounding herself in the fact that he was alive and there and wanting to marry her.

"Yes. I'm more certain of this today than I ever was, and I know that this is the right thing to do. We've been through too much together to even think about spending any more time apart. I love you."

Closing the distance between them once more, she kissed him with all the passion that was in her heart, and she felt him relax a little before wrapping his good arm around her and holding her in place. From somewhere behind them, she could hear Rossi's voice muttering to someone, and she wondered what that was about.

"Do you think that he's talking to Strauss?" he asked, and JJ shrugged a little. "I mean, it was obvious that the two of them are a couple, just by the looks that they exchanged before everything went to Hell."

She nodded as she collapsed onto the bed next to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him tightly. She had almost lost him, and suddenly it threw into focus that no matter how much she might love Hotch, she needed to be with Will, to give Henry a stable home to live in, just in case anything happened to either of them. "They chose to follow their bliss, and why shouldn't we follow their example?" JJ whispered before leaning in and kissing him.

"You are exactly right," he replied.

Someone knocked on the door, and they both looked to see Rossi standing there, a bemused grin on his face. "Erin said that she'll run you and Henry home, JJ. I know that you might want to stay here with Will, but I think that Henry would probably feel better with you."

JJ nodded and sighed, knowing that the older man was right. "I suppose that would probably be for the best. Will you look after him while I'm away?"

"I'm not a baby, Jen. I can spend the night alone."

"I know, I just, I worry about you. Especially now, after all that's happened today." She could tell that Will was a little frustrated with her, and she knew that she was hovering, but she wanted to hover, wanted to make certain that he was going to be there in the morning, that she wasn't dreaming about his survival.

"I'll be fine, don't worry about me. You haven't failed me."

His words struck a chord deep in her heart, and she nodded slowly before slipping out the door and seeing Erin standing there, a look of concern on her face. Wordlessly, she made her way to the woman's side and let her close her arm around her waist, holding her close as she led her from the hospital. "Is everything okay?" she whispered as they made their way over to her car.

"I think that it will be. I said yes to Will, we're getting married."

Erin smiled at her as she nodded, helping her into the vehicle. "That's wonderful news to hear. But that still does not explain the look that was on your face when you left his room."

Trust the woman to poke and prod until she got the answers she was looking for, and JJ shifted around in the seat as she tried to find the words to describe what she was feeling. Thankfully, before she had to answer Erin, her phone rang, and she pulled it from her pocket to answer. "Hey, Garcia."

"Gumdrop, who is running you home from the hospital? I know that you probably don't want Henry there all night, and well, I wouldn't mind spending the night at your place, looking after the two of you until Will's released tomorrow."

"I have a ride, actually, but thanks for the offer. Tell me some good news?"

"Oh, gumdrop, I actually have a lot of that! So, Hotch got a call from Rossi, and whatever he said made him happier than a clam in the ocean! And then, he talked to all of us, and Strauss was actually wearing a smile when he talked to her! I know, how weird to see her as human, but it was really nice. She's so pretty when she smiles, it's no wonder she caught Rossi's eye."

"How did you know that?" she asked, glancing over at Erin and seeing that the woman was still smiling as she shook her head.

"Because when Reid and I went to the convention, we saw them both leaving. And I never noticed this before, but Strauss has amazing legs! Plus, she totally had 'I've just been fucked well and long' hair, and totally looked adorable. If that makes sense. I didn't even know that she was divorced, let alone moving on with someone in the BAU."

JJ let out a little laugh, and it felt so good to have that release after everything she had just been through. "We'll probably have to keep that under wraps, since I think the frat rules still stand, even for Section Chiefs."

Erin's cheeks began to blaze a bright red, and JJ knew that she had to let the woman know that everything would be all right. "Oh, Jayje, if anyone ever tried to mess with them? I would cut them down to size in a heartbeat. Rossi's like a dad to me, to all of us, really, and if he's bringing home a new mom, we have to do what we can to make certain she's welcome. And I will tell her that if she asks."

"That's good to know, Garcia. But I should let you go now so that I can give directions to my driver. I'll see you soon!"

"Count on that!" Garcia replied before she hung up.

JJ slipped her phone back in her pocket and waited for Erin's next question. "Do they all know?"

"I think so. You and Rossi weren't exactly discreet today, especially in those jeans you were wearing. But like Garcia just told me, we won't let anything slip. You and Rossi deserve a bit of happiness in this life, and who am I to take that from you?"

Erin slipped her hand off the steering wheel and clasped JJ's hand gently before letting out a deep breath. "That really does mean the world to me, Jennifer. And I'm glad that we're alone so that I can do this properly. I don't know if you know, but I just recently completed a four month stint in rehab. After what happened to you in Afghanistan, my problem just spiraled out of control until I was drinking on the job, and very nearly ruined that case at the military school."

"Erin…"

"No, I have to get through this. I'm sorry for endangering your life, Jennifer. I should have seen that I had a problem long before it became a work issue. Please, forgive me, and allow me to make amends for my failing."

There was raw honesty in Erin's voice made her heart hurt, and she sighed deeply before reaching out to wrap her fingers around Erin's arm. "We've both had our failures, Erin. God knows that I've tried to leave mine in the past, but they make up a large part of who I am. And sometimes an apology doesn't seem like enough, but it's the only way that we can move forward. I promise that I won't hold this against you."

"Thank you, Jennifer. I only hope that this means we can start anew from here."

"Of course," she murmured in reply, squeezing Erin's arm before starting to give her directions to their place, knowing that the future looked rosy from here on out.


	19. Chapter 19

"I still don't know how Rossi managed to pull together a wedding on such short notice," JJ sighed out as she flopped back against the soft mattress in Rossi's guest room. He had given them the mansion for the evening, choosing to go home with Erin, instead. JJ tried not to picture exactly what they were up to, but there were still a few images floating around in her brain.

"When you have more money than God, _cher_ , you can get a lot accomplished in a little bit of time." Will smiled down at her as he quickly disrobed. There were still bright wounds on his body, the evidence of everything that he had gone through the previous day, and she felt herself begin to tear up a little. "Hey, this is the happiest day of our lives, Jen. There's no reason to cry."

She shrugged a little as she turned onto her stomach, letting him run the zipper of her mother's dress down her back and tug it off her body. "I just came so close to losing you, that I feel like all my emotions are shimmering at the top of my skin. I feel like I've failed you a little, too, since we haven't been able to get pregnant again. I hope that my miscarriage didn't screw things up down there."

The bed dipped under his weight, and she looked up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Hey, if having another baby is really important to you, we can go get checked out by one of them fertility specialists, and see what we're doing wrong."

She nodded a little before letting a yawn split her face. "That sounds good. Would you mind terribly if we just slept tonight? We'll have the rest of our lives to sleep together."

"This is true," he replied as he picked up her dress and hung it back on the hanger. "And I don't really think that I should be doing too much strenuous activity quite yet."

"That's true." JJ yawned again before pushing herself off the bed and padding over to their bags. Rummaging around, she pulled out a silky teddy before heading back to the bed and crawling beneath the covers, resting her head on the soft pillows as she watched her husband pull on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. "So, where would you like to go for a honeymoon?"

"I was thinking someplace familiar. Since we got married so quickly, we weren't able to invite any of my family, and I'd really like to show you off."

"And it would be really nice to show Henry where you're from." She sighed a little as she snuggled into the covers, breathing in the fresh scent of Rossi's laundry soap. "That really would be perfect. I'll have to see when I can get time off."

"I rather think that you should be able to ask for anything and get it at this point, _cher_. After all, your husband did almost lose his life."

She laughed as she shook her head. "You know how bureaucracy works, Will. Much though I would love to just demand three weeks off to get to know our family better, I would still have to fill out forms, in triplicate, to explain why it was necessary. I'll try for July, but it could be as late as August or September, especially with us having to hire a new agent to replace Emily."

"She's leaving again?"

JJ nodded as she scooted in close to him, resting her head on his chest and listening to his heart. "I think that she never really returned to us. So, she took Easter's offer to work with Interpol, and will be leaving for London as soon as she can get out of her lease."

"Do you have any idea who will replace her?"

JJ shook her head slowly, feeling sleep slip over her like a heavy blanket. "I wish that I did. I just hope that it's another woman. It would be weird to be out in the field with just the boys."

She winced a little as Will's fingers dug into her side, the pain enough to shake sleep off her brain. Turning her head a little, she saw that he was frowning deeply, and JJ wondered what was bothering him so much. "Why would it be weird?"

"Because it would. I'm already a bit of an anomaly, Will, and sometimes the local leos talk about the women on the team. It's not often, usually when we're in smaller towns, but it does get under your skin. I cannot tell you the number of times that I've been asked if I'm in a relationship with Emily or if I have a husband back home, with the implication that I should be there, being the good little wife, pregnant and barefoot. And we both know that is not me at all."

He let out a tiny scoffing noise, and JJ felt hurt at that. Knowing that this was still a sensitive subject between them, she tried to push the hurt feelings aside as she turned her head back down and began to play with the hem of his shirt. "Well, I suppose that you'll just have to flash that ring of yours more often," he murmured lowly, his hand beginning to stroke her hair.

The gesture soothed her nerves, and she nodded a little. "I suppose that I will. This is a gorgeous ring, when did you pick it out?"

"After you had Henry, actually. I knew then that I wanted this to be forever, and I knew that I could be patient, until you were ready. After all, it took you a long time to admit that we were going out in the first place."

"They all knew, I should have just admitted things in the very beginning. It would have been a lot easier. I'm just not good with secrets, it seems."

"We all have our strengths," he said, his fingers hitting a snarl. She hissed in pain and reached up to scratch the spot absently, dislodging his fingers from her hair. "I hope I didn't pull any hair out."

"It's okay, I pull enough out as it is when I hit a tangle," she replied, her eyes starting to feel gritty from exhaustion. "I think that I'm going to be drifting off to sleep, now," she whispered as she rubbed her cheek against his chest.

"Me, too. This weekend took a lot more out of me than I thought."

She nodded and closed her eyes heavily, concentrating on the way he breathed, letting it soothe her to sleep. Only vaguely did she hear Will whisper something that sounded an awful lot like "You will always be mine, Jen. I will never let you go." The sinister tone he used sent a small shiver down her spine before sleep took over, blocking out the rest of the waking world.


	20. Chapter 20

JJ couldn't help but notice the way the Erin tensed up every time that she walked past the bullpen and saw their new team member. And she couldn't help but feel the same tension creep into her body, since there was something so standoffish about the woman, something that didn't make JJ want to get to know her better. Which was ridiculous, because she was probably perfectly nice, but it was hard to forget Erin's reaction.

And then, one morning while Derek and Penelope were still in London, JJ walked into the bathroom and heard the sounds of broken cries. It was heartbreaking, listening to the mystery woman, and JJ felt herself welling up in sympathy. Letting out a discreet cough, she made her way over the first stall and quickly peed before slipping back out and washing her hands.

The last stall door opened, and JJ looked up in the mirror to see Erin there. "Oh, I didn't know it was you," she stammered out, wanting to offer the woman an out.

"I knew it was you, I recognized the shoes. Please, don't tell anyone that you heard me crying. I still have to face them. I need to present a strong façade."

"Is it Blake?" she asked without preamble.

"A little, yes. There were things that happened in the past that I can't change, and it seems like we're never going to be able to bury the hatchet. Amends aren't always accepted."

There was a faraway look in Erin's eyes, and JJ felt compelled to turn around and reach out to her, resting her hand lightly on her upper arm. From the way her muscle flinched beneath JJ's touch, she knew that she was still tender and raw, and that saddened her a bit. "I've accepted your amends, but I probably wouldn't be at this place had we not worked together in Afghanistan. It takes time to change perspectives, you know."

"I do. I've experienced that first hand with my children. It's hard to keep on the straight and narrow when you have a million different issues tugging at your mind. But you don't want to hear about my problems. Is there anything that I can do for you? You never asked for maternity leave, and…?"

A pained look crossed JJ's face as she shook her head. "No, I'm fine, don't worry about me. I'll try to get the others to go a little easier on you, too. Okay?"

"All right," Erin responded, a troubled look on her face as she wiped the last traces of tears off her cheeks. Walking past JJ, Erin reached out and patted her arm lightly before slipping out of the bathroom. JJ gave her a few minutes lead time, and then exited herself, making her way back to the bullpen.

Blake gave her a look as she passed by her desk, and JJ just smiled, trying not to give anything away as she sailed up to Hotch's office. It was still weird to not have Garcia and Morgan there, since she found herself wanting to talk to her friend about a million times a day, but there was only one more week until they returned, and she could fill Garcia in on everything that had happened since she had gone to work with Emily.

Knocking gently on her boss's door, she waited for him to invite her in. "The door's open!" he called out, and she quickly stepped behind the door and over to his desk, taking a seat in front of his desk. "What can I do for you today, Jen?"

She shrugged a little, wondering how to ask the question on her mind. "Did you know about Strauss?" she finally blurted out, unable to hold the question in any longer.

Hotch looked up from his paperwork and gave her a long, searching, look. "I have no idea what you mean," he finally responded before lowering his gaze once more.

"I rather think that you do, and that sort of answers my question. Go easier on her, would you?"

Before he could answer, she stood and strode out of the room, feeling an overwhelming surge of anxiety sweep over her heart. JJ wasn't quite certain if it stemmed from Erin's question about her baby, as if she had expected her to talk about it, as if she had brought her pregnancy to fruition, or if it stemmed from the fact that Hotch had been keeping two secrets – one that she knew about, the other that she hadn't. Knowing that she had to work off some of the building stress, she hurried over to her desk and dropped off her phone before heading down to the locker room.

After quickly changing into her workout clothes, she made her way to the gym and found an open treadmill. Though she hadn't brought her iPod to listen to, JJ found that having the opportunity to be alone with her thoughts was actually much more beneficial. The largest thing that occupied her mind was Erin's reactions to her. There was something so sweet about her concern, and yet it troubled her for some reason.

"But why would she think that I gave birth? She was there when I lost the baby," she murmured aloud as she picked up her speed. "I mean, it was quite obvious that I lost the pregnancy, wasn't it?"

A sharp ache began to throb in the back of her head, and JJ reached up to rub at it absently as she continued to run. It was clear that her brain was getting overworked by that line of thought, and she sighed before switching her train of thought. Looking at her wedding ring, she thought about how its weight still felt odd on her hand. Ever since their marriage, Will had been acting weird. And it wasn't all the time, only when she caught him off guard. And it wasn't anything that she could really put her finger on, either. She just caught these glimpses of someone different, someone that she didn't know, at times.

A part of her wanted to just come out and ask him what was up, while the larger part of her heart understood what it was like to be through a traumatic event and have everyone around you expect you to be normal. That was the same thing that she was dealing with, and she was finding herself more snappish than normal. She knew that eventually, she might have to talk to someone, to let her feelings out, if Hotch found out about her time in the Middle East, but that might never happen. A small part of her wished that it never would, since she wanted to be strong like Emily, to be able to put things in a little box and lock it away on a high shelf in her heart, never to be opened again.

Finally feeling out of breath, but still discombobulated, she stomped over to the punching bags, picking up a set of gloves and shoved her hands in them, starting to jab and strike at the bag, releasing her emotions through her fists.

"Whoa there, Jen, you look like you want to gut that poor punching bag. What did it ever do to you?"

Gasping for air, she paused and turned her head to look at Rossi. He still looked cool as a cucumber in his jeans and suit coat, which for some reason made her irritable. "It existed. It lives for us to beat the crap out of it."

He chuckled lowly as he tossed her a towel. As JJ wiped the sweat from her face and upper chest, Rossi reached out and stilled the bag, a smile still spread across his lips. "I suppose there is some truth in that. I just wanted to let you know that we have a case, and we're headed out to Nevada in the morning, after we brief the case."

"Thanks for the head's up," she replied as she raised her arms above her head, trying to pull some oxygen into her lungs. "I'll see you in the morning."

"If I'm late, make certain you ask a lot of probing questions, okay?"

JJ knew exactly what he was implying, and yet her cheeks still turned a bright red as she nodded. "Will do, Sir. Have a good night."

"Oh, I will definitely make it one," he replied as he turned to leave the gym. As he walked away, JJ listened to him whistle a jaunty tune. She knew exactly what his good mood meant, and while she wished that she didn't, she was glad that Erin was able to find some happiness in the day.


	21. Chapter 21

"I really put my foot in my mouth, JJ," Penelope wailed as JJ answered her phone shortly after she had headed home for the night. It had been a bit draining to hear Blake run both Erin and Penelope down, and while she knew that the woman was trying to grow accustomed to the way that the team worked, JJ had still found herself getting a little cross with her as the case had worn on. Which meant that things were now a little more strained between them than she would have liked. Yet, she couldn't help but defend Penelope.

"She'll get over it. Once she and Strauss really talk, I think that everything will blow over."

"I didn't know that they knew each other."

JJ winced, wondering if she should have revealed that information. "Yeah, I guess so. Blake mentioned something about it a few cases ago."

"Huh, I guess that explains the little powwow that I'm witnessing right now. Strauss looks really open to Blake, but Blake is just shutting her out."

JJ smiled a little as she turned onto her street. "Blake's a tough nut to crack. We're going to have to be really kind to her, I think, so that she'll open up to us."

"I suppose. It's just really hard to get used to new people, you know? I miss Emily, and it's been less than a week since I saw her last. Why do things have to change?"

"Because without change, there can't be growth."

"Way to be deep there, Jayje. I'll keep that in mind though, as I deal with her. I mean, you do like her, right?"

"I do. She just has to warm up to us. I mean, even Emily had her moments."

"I know. Well, I should probably let you go. Talk to you later?"

"Always." They hung up just as JJ was pulling into her driveway, and she sighed as she saw that all the lights in the house were on. This was a new thing with Henry, he claimed that the lights helped him sleep better, but it frustrated her to no end. A small part of her wanted to coddle him, let him indulge in this new behavior. But her more practical side told her that it was ridiculous to let him go on like that, since it didn't really address his fears, it just let him gloss over them.

Shaking her head, she slipped into the house and dropped her go bag off in the laundry room before making her way upstairs. Veering off to see if Henry was asleep, she turned off the hall light as she stepped into his room. A tiny smile curved her lips up as she took in the sight of her son, flopped out on his back, his mouth open as he breathed in and out deeply. Heading over to his side, she pulled the covers up around his shoulders before placing a tender kiss on his forehead. "I love you, my little star," she whispered before making her way over to the door. Taking one last look at her dear son, she turned the overhead light off and then made her way into the bathroom.

With heavy arms, she quickly stripped and stepped into the shower, knowing that if she didn't do so quickly, she'd take the lazy way out and just crawl into bed without washing. Still, she hurried through her shower, wanting to get clean as quickly as possible. After washing her hair, she stepped out of the shower and pulled a towel around her body before heading out into her bedroom.

Will was also fast asleep, a smile on his lips, and JJ wondered once more at just how much her son looked like him, knowing that meant she would have a little heartbreaker on her hands in just a few short years. Rummaging through the drawers, she pulled out an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

After dressing for bed, she slipped between the covers and snuggled in close to Will. Automatically, his arm went around her waist, and JJ wondered if he really was asleep. "Will?" she whispered, turning in his embrace to poke his chest softly. "Are you still awake?"

There was no response, and she shook her head a little before turning back over and trying to fall asleep. It seemed like sleep was far away from her, though, as she thought about the tension that crackled between Erin and Blake. There was certain to be a dustup there, it was only a matter of when that would happen. And JJ wasn't exactly certain whose side she would take. After all, she didn't want to create waves in the team, as they had to work so closely together. But Erin needed someone to champion her, someone who would take her side openly. She wasn't certain that Rossi would do that, since it seemed like they were trying to keep their relationship quiet.

"Way to get yourself stuck in a sticky situation, Jareau. No matter who you choose to side with, you're going to be letting someone down," she muttered as she closed her eyes and began to count sheep. JJ made it to nine hundred before she gave up on sleep and turned onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Letting out a frustrated sigh, she tapped Will's shoulder until he woke up, giving her a black look.

"What is it, Jen?" he bit out as he looked at the time. "It's the middle of the night."

"And I can't sleep. Do you have any of those pills left?"

A weird look passed over his features quickly, before being replaced with his placid, boyish, smile. "Yeah, I think that I have a few left. Let me go get one."

He clambered out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. She listened to him rattle around in the medicine cabinet before turning the water on and then off a few moments later. "Thanks," she replied as she took the pill and glass from his hand, popping the capsule into her mouth and quickly washing it down with the water. Setting the glass on the nightstand, she flopped back down onto the mattress and sighed deeply. "How long do these take to work?" she asked as Will crawled in next to her.

"You have to relax, Jen. If you're too tense, the pills won't work."

She nodded and closed her eyes, taking a few deep, slow, breaths, welcoming the heaviness of sleep that began to curl around the corners of her mind. Soon, she found that she was experiencing the sweet fall that happened to her just before slumber, and she smiled a little.

Just before she was fully under, though, she began to hear the familiar refrain that had haunted her dreams, telling her that she was doing nothing good with her life, that she hadn't really changed from the selfish person that she was. "It's no wonder that Blake doesn't like you, you haven't made her really feel welcome. Maybe you should drop your friendship with Erin, if you really want to make things better between the two of you. Then again, you always were like a child with your friends, wanting to hoard them and not share with anyone else."

She wanted to talk back to that voice, but found that she couldn't, that it was too much, and she fell into a deeper, more troubled, sleep as she tried not to think about what her psyche was telling her.


	22. Chapter 22

"You look exhausted, JJ," Garcia said as she entered the bullpen. JJ shrugged a little as she trudged over to her desk and let her purse thump onto the surface with a dull thud.

"I haven't been sleeping well these last few weeks, and it seems to be catching up to me. Even the sleeping pills that Will has been giving me don't seem to do their job. I'm just left with a bitter taste in my mouth come the morning. If this doesn't change, I'm going to have to see a doctor about doing something. It seems like the only good sleep I get is when I'm out in the field, which is when it should be the worst."

She slumped down into her chair, smiling a little when Garcia petted her hair softly. "I wish there was something I could do for you, honey. Have you tried listening to those relaxation sounds at all? Some people swear by the sound of ocean waves. I even think that I have a recording of Pachelbel's Canon in D mixed with the sound of waves, and I could scrounge it up for you, if you think that it would help."

Looking into her friend's face, JJ couldn't help but smile widely at the sweetly earnest look on her face. "I haven't tried that trick yet, no. But I suppose that anything might help at this point." Heaving out a deep sigh, she glanced over at Hotch's office and saw his head bent over his desk, working away at something.

"He's going over our budget again. Strauss handed him a really thick packet of papers this morning, telling him that since we weren't going out on a case this week, it was the perfect time to get caught up on the paperwork that he's been neglecting all this time. I swear, if looks could kill, she would have been dead the moment she turned her back."

JJ shook her head a little. "You know that he hates paperwork. You should have just given it to me, I'm caught up on my reports from the last few cases."

Garcia shrugged a little as she got up off her desk. "You should have told me that sooner, gumdrop, then I might have helped him out. Though I suppose you could go up there and help him out yourself."

She tried not to laugh at the way her friend waggled her eyebrows, but a small giggle managed to slip out as she shook her head. "Well, now I'm in a better mood at least," she said as she stood up and shook her hips a little, needing to get some of the stiffness out of her. "And I suppose I will go see if I can put Hotch out of his misery."

Penelope nodded and together they climbed the stairs and then went separate ways. Taking a deep breath, she went into Hotch's office without knocking and quietly took a seat in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence. "I know that you're there, Jen," he said a few moments later, not even glancing up from his work.

"I'm glad that you can tell who we are without even looking, Hotch. But I'm here to help you, actually. I know that you hate doing all this, and well, I do have some free time available. Let me do the budgeting paperwork, so that you can focus on signing off on some of our reports. That way we can make Erin, I mean, Strauss, a little happier."

Hotch looked up into her eyes, and she saw the faint look of shock that he quickly masked. "Are you sure to take on all that extra work?" he asked, his hand hovering over the paper.

"It's not really all that much work, you know. And I can get that done a lot more quickly than you can." JJ gave him a winning smile, waiting for him to break down and agree with her. Finally, he gave her a small nod, and her smile widened into a grin. "Thank you!"

He shook his head a little as he closed the folder and slid it over to her. "If you have any questions, you can take them to your new friend."

"Who? Strauss?" she asked, trying to play dumb.

The eyebrow arch that he gave her almost set her into a fit of giggles, and she pursed her lips together tightly as she watched him carefully. "Yes, I meant Strauss. She would have been the last person that I would have thought you would be friendly with, after she let you go off to the State Department."

All traces of mirth left her face as she soaked in his words. And there was a part of her that wanted to blurt the truth out to him, to let him know that she hadn't been in the State Department, that she and Erin had been overseas together, had seen things that she had never thought she would see, and that it had bound them together in a way that he would never understand. Instead, she just gave him a small shrug before picking up the folder and standing once more. "She's a little nicer than everyone gives her credit for. I'm never going to be best friends with the woman, of course, that's Penelope's role in my life, but I find that the older I get, the more apt I am to let bygones be bygones."

"That's probably the best attitude to have, Jen. I hope that some of that practicality rubs off on other members of our team." He gave her an understanding smile, which she returned before she walked out. Climbing down the stairs, she made her way back to her desk and took a seat, flipping open the folder and taking a look at what Hotch had left to do on their budget for the quarter.

Shaking her head a little, she knew that she would have to go and ask Erin for some help to finish everything. Taking a deep breath, she closed the file once more as she stood. Picking it up, she took a quick look around before scurrying out into the hall and over to Erin's office.

The assistant, Helen, was typing away at something, and JJ cleared her throat a little to get the other woman's attention. "Do you have an appointment with Chief Strauss?" she asked a bit defensively, and JJ wondered how long it had taken her to build up that armor.

"No, I just had a few questions on some paperwork, and knew that she would be able to help me out. Is she busy right now?" JJ hoped that she was giving the woman a sincere smile, since she really wasn't planning on harassing Erin. Finally, Helen gave her a short nod before pushing away from her desk and standing up.

"Please, have a seat, and I'll let you know shortly if she's free."

JJ nodded and ambled over to the chairs, picking out the middle one to settle into. The seconds seemed to take forever to pass by, and her foot began to tap anxiously, wondering if Erin didn't want to be seen with her for some reason.

Finally, though, Helen made her reappearance, giving her a more unguarded look. "Well?" JJ asked, starting to get to her feet.

"She's finishing up a phone call to the Director, but if you're quiet, you can head right in. And she wanted me to ask if you needed anything to drink?"

JJ shook her head, giving Helen a warm, open, smile. "I'm good, thanks." They nodded to each other before JJ slipped behind the door and approached Erin's desk. The older woman looked up and gave her a small smile, beckoning for her to sit.

"All right, I'll be certain to make them aware of that. Thank you again for letting me know. Good bye."

Erin hung up and looked at JJ expectantly. "I'm helping Hotch out with some of the paperwork, and I know that he has to get the budget done right away. I thought that I could answer everything, but it turns out that I need some help. Would you have a few free minutes?"

"Of course. But it would probably be easier to take care of this at the table." JJ nodded and together they made their way over. For some reason, JJ felt comfortable with Erin, and she couldn't wait to work with her once more, even if it was for just a short time.


	23. Chapter 23

JJ felt conflicting emotions at the end of the case in Kansas City. While she was glad that they had wrapped things up quickly, there was a part of her that hated how things had ended. It reminded her too much of her own relationship with Will, and the secrets she had kept from him and the team, the way that she was still trying to project a calm demeanor, as if nothing ever ruffled her feathers.

Sighing, she adjusted the strap of her bag and got on the jet behind Blake. Plopping onto the long set of seats, she stretched out and let her bag fall to the floor as she deliberately closed her eyes and tried not to pay attention to the swirl of activity around her. The hours slipped by without her being able to fall asleep, though she did hear the noises slowly settle down into the rhythm of evening.

Still, JJ didn't open her eyes, until the end of the seat dipped down beneath someone's weight. Cautiously, she slid one eye open, seeing Hotch sitting there, a bemused smile on his lips. She smiled back at him and sat up a little, to give him more room. "Hey," JJ said quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone.

"Hey. So, did you get a chance to check in on Captain McGee?"

She shook her head. "No, though he still is with the force. I had Garcia check to see if he had moved on or not. Turns out, he's now heading up the Missing Persons Unit, which seems like the perfect fit for him."

"Yes, it does." There was a heaviness to his voice that she hadn't expected to be there, and JJ frowned a little as she looked into Hotch's eyes, trying to suss out what was bothering him. "Quit trying to profile me," he said, and she shook her head.

"I'm not profiling you, I'm trying to figure out what's bothering you."

A heavy sigh erupted from his lips as he scooted back on the seat, picking up her legs and setting them on his lap so that she would be comfortable, too. "Beth accepted a job in New York. It's an amazing opportunity for her, don't get me wrong, it's just going to be hard to pull off a long distance relationship. How did you and Will make it work for so long?"

A part of JJ thrilled at the notion of Beth being far away from Hotch, even though she knew that there wasn't anything that could happen between the two of them now. After all, she was married, and it wouldn't be fair to Will if she cheated on him. It would just be another in a long list of failures in their relationship. "It was hard, I'm not going to lie," she finally said, worrying her lower lip between her teeth as she thought of what to say next. "But, every weekend that I could, I would go down and see him. His being a detective really helped us out in that department, since he normally didn't work on the weekends."

"That must have cost you a fortune," he murmured as he absently ran his hand up and down her lower leg. She nodded a little, thinking back to that heady time when she had been newly in love, and there hadn't been any issues between them. "But you made it work."

"We did. Even if I feel like it was the wrong decision at times. He just doesn't get the BAU, you know?"

"I do. Haley never got the drive of the job, either. I could never make her understand that I do what I do so that the world will be a safer place for Jack, that he'll see that the dragons don't always win, that good still triumphs occasionally."

JJ nodded as she blinked back tears. "Exactly. And I thought that Will would totally get that, seeing as how he's in the same line of work. He's been asking me to give up the BAU, to transfer to White Collar Crimes, so that I can have a steady nine to five job. I would die if I was forced into something like that. The BAU is my home, and my family, too."

She hadn't meant to reveal quite so much of herself, and she looked away from Hotch to stare at the floor of the jet. Every nerve in her body was aware, though, of how his hand paused on her knee, squeezing a little, as if to tell her that he understood completely. "And we always do what we have to, to protect our family."

In that moment, she knew that he was thinking of Emily, and how much it had hurt him to keep the truth from the team, just as much as it had hurt her. Looking up, their eyes met and she drew in a deep breath at the hurt that lingered in his gaze, even as he quickly shuttered that part of his soul away from her. "That we do, Hotch. You know, I talked to Emily the other day, and she's getting settled in at Interpol quite well. Though she would love to have us over for a visit. Maybe we could finagle a way to all get leave at the same time."

"The last time they gave us that, we had to deal with the fallout from the Fisher King case. I was specifically told by Strauss to not let something like that happen ever again."

She smiled as she let out quiet laugh. "Erin does know that we cannot predict the behavior of the unsubs, right?"

Hotch cocked his head to one side, and JJ wondered what she had said to make him give her that look. "You know, you're calling Strauss by her given name quite a bit lately. Is there something there that I should know about?"

JJ shook her head a little, mentally kicking herself for giving her budding something that wasn't quite friendship with the woman away. "Not really, no. Like I've said, I'm just trying to be a nicer person in general. And she helped me get the budget finished in no time flat, without any questions about why I was doing it."

He nodded a little, though she could tell that he was still trying to assess her. "I suppose that her relationship with Dave has mellowed her out a little," he finally said, giving her a small smile. She smiled back before making herself more comfortable on the seat, letting her eyes close once more.

This time, it didn't seem like sleep would be too long in coming, and as Hotch continued to rub her legs in slow, soothing, motions, JJ let herself drift off, knowing that no matter what happened, he would protect her from the world at large. A small part of her, though, was worried about the fact that she found that she could count on her boss more than her husband. She hadn't taken those vows lightly, and she knew that Hotch also took vows seriously.

Sighing deeply, she turned on her side and ground her hip into the stiff seat of the plane as she let go of all the troubles that were haunting her brain, instead choosing to focus on the way that Hotch's hands made her feel in that moment as sleep finally claimed her.


	24. Chapter 24

"I can't believe that you let him overhear us talking about our jobs!" JJ hissed as she shook her head. "You know that he's been sensitive ever since the bank incident, and it's barely been five months. A trauma like that can take years to get over."

"It's not like I planned it, _cher_. Little pitchers have big ears, after all."

Her eyes flew open and she fixed her gaze on him, trying to breathe deeply through her nose so as not to fly off the handle at her husband. "Seriously? That is the excuse that you're going to use? I cannot believe you, Will! Halloween should be innocent at Henry's age, and you've managed to ruin it for him!"

He quickly stood and stalked over to her, reaching down and squeezing her shoulder roughly. "I rather think that we were both to blame here. After all, you were the one telling me about the monster who was performing unnecessary amputations. Did you need to go into great detail about what the man had been doing? And I know that Henry overheard part of that conversation, because he asked me if his doctor would saw off his arm!"

Her eyes widened in horror as she realized how much of her words had soaked into her son's brain. Quick tears pooled in her eyes, and she wrenched her arm out of his grasp so that she could stand and make her way over to the window, staring out into the inky blackness of the night. "I, I didn't know, Will," she murmured, wrapping her arms around her waist. "I just want Henry to have a good time."

"I know that you do, Jen. It's just that our words have consequences, and we need to keep both of our tongues in check from now on. I don't want our son to know about the horrors of the world before he can read about them."

She nodded in agreement, reaching her hand behind her. Will came up and took hold of it, squeezing lightly before pulling her into a warm embrace. "I just had to grow up so quickly, that I didn't even want to see what was happening to him. I just took it as normal."

"I know, Jen." He kissed her cheek softly before leading her away from the window and up to their room. It didn't take long for them to get ready for bed, and once more, she found herself waiting for sleep to claim her. "Did you want another of my sleeping pills?" her husband asked, sounding conciliatory.

"Maybe. I just don't want to get dependent on them."

"The few that you take won't harm you, I promise. That's what my doctor told me, at least. And you should always trust your doctor. Right?"

She thought for a moment before nodding. "You're right, I guess. All right, I'll take another one, just for tonight."

Will nodded before kissing her cheek softly. "Let me go grab you a glass of water, the pills are in the bottle on my table."

JJ let out a long breath as she watched him clamber out of bed, heading over to the bathroom. Once he was behind the door, she leaned over and picked up the bottle and fished out a pale pink pill, turning it over and over in her fingers as she waited for Will to get back with the water.

It didn't take long, and when he reappeared, she gave him a warm smile as he came over to her side, handing her the glass. "It's not as cold as you normally like, but I know that you want to get to sleep right away."

She nodded as she took the cup from his hands, popping the pill into her mouth before washing it down with a large gulp of water. "As long as it's wet, I suppose that it will work. Thank you. And I'm sorry that I yelled at you, I just want some things to be perfect, and when they're not, I just fly off the handle. I'm trying to work on that, I promise."

"It's okay, I think we all get like that at times, Jen." He climbed back into bed and curved his body around hers. "As long as we love each other, though, and work on our relationship, everything will work out in the end. I firmly believe that."

"I'm glad that one of us does," she murmured as she felt her eyelids begin to grow heavy with sleep. She snuggled against him, letting her head come to rest on his chest so that she could listen to his heartbeat, the steady sound helping the sleeping pill along.

And then, the first nightmare began. This time, she and Will were visiting a bank, holding on to Henry's hands as they waited in line for the next teller. JJ could tell that something was wrong, and she tried to tug her loves out of the building. Will seemed to ignore her, though, as he pulled her unwilling feet forward.

By the time they got to the teller, true terror was clawing at her throat and JJ felt her breathing speed up as she tried to wake up from the nightmare. The sleeping pill wouldn't allow her to break free from the chains of slumber, however, and so she looked into the face of their teller with trepidation.

"Oh, JJ, didn't you ever learn that you will always be a disappointment to those that you love. You couldn't even keep your home safe from me, what makes you think that you can protect those that you love?" Madame X gave her a feral smile as she lifted her arm, gun in hand, and pointed at Will and Henry. "Now, I'll be merciful and give you a choice. Your husband, your son, or the man you truly love."

JJ gasped a little when another unsub pushed Hotch into line with her son and Will. "I, I, you have to be joking. Will, wake me up!" she cried, turning to beat on his chest with her hands.

He cocked his head to one side, giving her a placid smile. "There's nothing to wake up from, _cher_. Make your choice."

She shook her head wildly, trying to step forward and wrap her arms around Henry, to pull him to her chest, but some invisible wall stopped her. Before she could say another word, Madame X began to fire, first at Will, then Hotch, and finally Henry. It was that final gunshot that broke the chains of sleep and she sat up in bed, panting heavily.

Will, though, slept on like nothing had disturbed him, and she gave a small sigh of relief. Slipping out of bed, she padded over to the bathroom and quickly peed before washing her face with cold water in an attempt to wipe away the last vestiges of her nightmare. Setting the washcloth aside, she gazed into the mirror, taking in the way her expression still looked horrified, the way her eyes were too wide, and she bit her lip to keep from bursting into loud sobs, since she knew that wouldn't help anything.

Pouring herself a fresh glass of water, she gulped at it as she made her way back to bed, setting the rest of it aside as she crawled beneath the covers and pulled them up over her head. It was a throwback to her childhood, but it made her feel safer still, and that was all she wanted at that moment.


	25. Chapter 25

JJ smiled as she watched Reid run the bases, having made the last minute, winning, hit. The rapturous smile on his face filled her heart with warmth, and she leaned over to gently knock shoulders with Penelope before standing and cheering alongside Alex. They had made some progress towards getting on friendlier terms, and for that she was grateful, as the woman seemed nice enough.

Glancing over at Hotch, she saw that though he was also cheering Spence on, there was a slightly troubled look on his face. Knowing that couldn't mean anything good, she closed the distance between them and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "So, care to tell me what's on your mind?" she asked lowly, trying to give him a winning smile.

"There's been a weird development in Texas. You remember that case, right? Where the convict was sewing up his victim's mouths?"

She nodded, thinking about how awful that case had been, and how shocked Alex had seemed that the unsub would commit suicide in front of them. "Yeah, but we closed that case with his death. Why would there be a development in it?" she asked.

Hotch glanced down at her before looking back over the field. "We have a copycat on our hands. Every detail was replicated, down to the specific type of thread that was used."

She frowned and shivered a little, despite the relative warmth of the November day. "That really is weird," she murmured, her mind automatically trying to figure out what could possibly be going on. There wasn't really any way that someone could faithfully reproduce every detail in the case, since there was always something that they left out, some detail that the unsub could hang themselves on when the time came for a trial.

"I don't want to tell the team here, since this afternoon should be about Reid and celebrating the fact that he's finally getting out of his shell and trying different things. This can wait until tomorrow."

JJ nodded, even though she did not feel the same way at all. This felt like something more, and she wished that she could see the file that Hotch had seen. There wasn't any possible way that her eyes could change a single fact, but seeing for herself might help her nerves. "I suppose, Hotch. Are you going to be able to get it off your mind tonight?"

He chuckled a little, but there was no mirth in the sound at all. "No, there is no way that I'm going to be able to get my mind off of this. You know me too well."

"I would rather think that I should know you well, Hotch. I mean…"

Her voice trailed off as she thought about that one night of passion that they had shared, and she gazed up at him, wondering if he was thinking about that night, too. From the way his face softened, she knew that he was, and JJ found herself welcoming his hand on her shoulder. She didn't mean to lean into the touch, since she knew that everyone would read too much into it, but the inclination to do so was so instinctive, so right, that she let nature take over.

"Hey, we're all heading over to Rocky's for a few drinks before we head home. Does that sound good to you?" Morgan asked, and JJ smiled and nodded. "Great. Hotch?"

"I should probably get home to Jack and Jessica. Thanks for the offer though." He gave them a small nod, though he never took his eyes off JJ. In his gaze, she could see that he was more concerned about the others seeing the connection between them. She sighed a little before nodding and turning to face Morgan.

"Well, let's get going," she said, a bit too brightly, and he nodded before heading over to join the rest of the team. The others were congratulating Reid, and she was surprised to see Alex hug him tightly, almost motherly in her affection. From the limited contact she had had with the woman, she had found her a bit cold and standoffish. This side was hard to reconcile with her previous behavior, and JJ frowned a little.

"I just knew that you could do it, Spencer!" The kind words were wonderful to hear dropping from Alex's lips, and she slipped over to Penelope's side, exchanging looks with her.

"This is entirely unexpected, PG."

"I know! I hope she's like this more often, since it's really nice to see a softer side to her. Especially since we got off on the wrong foot." Penelope gave her a wide smile before slinging her arm around her waist, holding her close. "All right, spill, gumdrop. What is making you look so sad and serious these days?"

JJ shrugged a little as they began to walk over to Penelope's car. And for once, she was grateful that she had hitched a ride with the woman, as it would allow them to talk privately as they drove over to the bar. "Hotch told me about something that happened down in Texas, and it has latched onto my brain, refusing to let go."

Penelope shook her head as she sat behind the wheel. "That is such a copout, hon. There is more to the story than just something hinky that Hotch said. Come on, you know that you can trust me!"

"I know that I can trust you, PG. It's just not something that I get myself," she replied as she buckled her belt.

"Well, perhaps if you used me as a sounding board, you'd be able to figure things out a little more."

"There is that." JJ took a deep breath, watching the scenery pass by out the window and trying to sort out her thoughts before she spoke once more. "I just feel like a failure at times, PG. I mean, I couldn't even keep Will safe during the bank robbery, and I put Henry in danger, too. You're supposed to protect your family, right?"

Penelope let out a tiny sound of disappointment, and their eyes met for a quick moment. "Oh, JJ, you did not fail them. At all. You did everything that you could to make an unthinkable situation better. We did everything that we could to protect you, you know."

"I do. I, I…" She wanted to tell Penelope about the miscarriage, but that was all tied up in her mission overseas, and she knew that she couldn't talk about that yet. There was still the need for secrecy, and so she clamped her lips together as she shook her head.

"One of these days, you're going to be able to confide in me, Jayje, and I will hold your secrets close to me heart."

Penelope's gentle words galled her, and JJ found herself railing against the inherent unfairness of her situation. She knew that only Erin would understand, so she made a mental note to stop in and see the woman before she left for the day. "I know that, PG. There are just some things that I can't talk about at the moment. Maybe someday, I can confide in you. Until then, just be my friend?"

"As if you ever needed to ask me that. I love you, Jayje, and that is never going to change!" She reached across the car and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly and not letting go as they continued on their way.


	26. Chapter 26

JJ hated cases that involved children. When she had first started with the BAU, it had been cases where the victims looked like her – young, blonde, single. But then, Henry had come along, and it was all she could do now to not focus on the potential outcome of cases like this. Hotch seemed to notice her discomfort, as they had been drawn to each other throughout the entire case, and she welcomed the attention from him.

"Have you called home to see how Henry is doing?"

She looked up at her boss and shook her head. "I keep pulling out my phone and trying to call, but then I think about all the parents who aren't able to do that right now, and I stop myself. It's not fair that I get that opportunity, you know?"

Hotch nodded, giving her that small, sad, smile that told her he understood perfectly. "I'm finding myself with the same problem. I know that Jessica will take the best possible care of him while I'm away, and that everything will be okay when we go home, and I'm not certain how many of those parents will have that same situation."

"I know." She felt her lower lip tremble, and she didn't want to start crying in front of Hotch. Looking skyward, she took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, and finding that no matter how much she thought of the good times with her son and her husband, she couldn't stop the tears that started to slip down her cheeks. "I suppose if Erin cried in the field once, it's perfectly okay for me to do so as well. Right?"

Hotch's hand came to rest on her shoulder, giving it a tender squeeze. The touch was enough for her to look down into his eyes, and it was then that she noticed the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. "I would say that this case is the perfect one to release a little emotion on."

"Good." And then, she stepped forward and hugged him tightly, needing to ground herself and make certain that everything was still okay. "All right, I'm going to go get a quick snack, and then refocus on finding these children. Do you think that Kevin and Penelope have gotten any closer?"

"Knowing those two, they probably are leap years ahead of us in terms of data, and yet they'll still need us to filter it a little."

She nodded and let go of him, heading over to the break room and picking up the first container of Chinese food that she laid her hands on. Digging in, she tried to regain her focus, staring unseeing at the whiteboard.

"It's a bit baffling, isn't it, Jen?"

She looked up at Rossi, giving him a small nod. "I don't get cases like this. It seems like there's just one small detail missing, that it's just out of reach, and if I could find it, then we would be done with everything and heading home. I know that you are probably missing Erin."

He nodded as he took a seat. "I am. And her kids. That's why this case is driving me crazy, even though I know that they're safe."

JJ hadn't realized that the pair were quite that close, and she nodded a little as she fought to find words to ask him what it was like to be a part of her family. Before she could ask, though, her phone went off, and she frowned a little as she pulled it out of her pocket. "It's Will, I suppose that I have to take it," she said as she pressed the accept call line. "Hey, what's up?"

"Not much, I just thought you might like to hear a friendly voice at the moment. I know that cases with kids are hard for you to deal with, since you've already lost one." She shuddered a little as she pursed her lips together and tried not to think about her miscarriage. Her hand fluttered down to her flat stomach and the promise of life that was gone from her body caused her to tear up a little.

She must not have masked her reaction quickly enough, as Rossi reached out, letting his hand come to rest on her shoulder as he offered her a silk handkerchief. Taking it, she dabbed at her eyes before worrying the delicate fabric between her fingers. "I don't like to think about that when I'm out in the field, and you know that, Will. I need to keep all my focus on the cases, otherwise I could end up making another mistake."

JJ didn't like the look that Rossi was giving her, so she turned away from him to concentrate on the board, staring unseeing at the faces of the students that were still missing. The hope that shone in their eyes was more painful than she thought she could bear, and so she lowered her head and closed her eyes, waiting for Will to speak once more. "Well, I wouldn't have to keep bringing it up if you talked about it. It's like you're ashamed to admit that you lost a pregnancy. It happens to a lot of women, _cher_."

"Yes, well, I don't want to be one of those women. You know that I hate failure."

"Failure is a part of life, and you need to accept that. Now, I'm taking Henry to the park, and when you get home, we'll go for a walk around the block. That might help to clear your mind of all the negativity that you're holding on to. Love you."

"I love you, too," she rotely replied before pressing the end call button and slipping her phone back into her pocket. Still, she stared, unseeing, at the floor, losing herself in her mind. When Rossi's hand once more touched her shoulder, she jumped and whirled around, nearly punching him before realizing who it was.

"Remind me to always announce my presence around you, Jen," he tried to joke, but she could hear in his voice that he was worried about her reaction. "Now, before we go back into work mode, I want you to tell me what is on your mind. That did not sound like a very happy I love you."

She started to shrug, wanting to blow the older man off, when she realized that he was not about to let that happen. "We're facing some issues in our marriage. But every relationship goes through that. We'll make it work, though. I'm certain of that."

He stared into her eyes, and JJ squirmed a little at the scrutiny, certain that he could read her face like an open book by this point in their working relationship. "I know that you're lying to me, Jen. And I want you to know that whenever you feel the need to talk to someone about whatever is eating at you, either Erin or myself will be more than happy to listen to you. I know how hard it can be to find someone that you trust in this world of ours."

The tender gesture caused her to tear up once more, and she gave him a small nod before clearing her throat and trying to get some semblance of equilibrium back. "That really does mean a lot to me, Dave. Erin has been so kind to me, even though I didn't deserve it. I really wish that I could get Blake to thaw to her, just a tiny bit, as a way to show my gratitude."

"And if you could do that, I would name you a miracle worker, Jen." He winked at her, and she smiled, her first true smile since her conversation with Will, feeling like she could finally focus on the case and move forward.


End file.
